night of the creeps.

Please, for the love of God make it stop.

Peeping Blog (2010).
Dir: Creep Creepersin. 
Cast: Ariauna Albright, Creep Creepersin and Elissa Dowling.

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of 'Peter The Peeper' (director Creepersin, AKA Skrotar the Conqueror...no honestly), a softly spoken yet scarily sausage fingered voyeur who spends his days (and nights) following a short skirted, fairly harsh faced young lady named Ethel (Albright from Platoon of the Dead and the classic Caged Lesbos A-Go-Go) around town then writing about it on his blog.

Nothing like me and Megan Stewart then.

Everything is going swimmingly for our peeping pal until Ethel's sister (Dowling, sister of Big Brother's Brian and the star of Bloody Bloody Bible Camp) turns up in an even shorter skirt for a surprise visit.

Hiding behind the coat-stand Peter continues to film his intended victims.

Luckily for him tho' they both appear to be blind (and deaf) making the whole thing that wee bit easier.

I mean there's no other way these two girls could fail to spot a hugely overweight, bearded asthmatic with a camera hiding behind under a raincoat in the corner of the room is there?

"Laugh now!"

But it's not all plain sailing tho' as very soon (tho' not soon enough) poor Peter desperately needs a wee, leaving our Peeper with a difficult choice.

Should he piss in a nearby pot plant, leg it and risk getting caught by the fuzz (a painful experience or so I'm told) or should he give the sexy siblings a nice surprise by jumping out of the wardrobe and tie them up before threatening them with a massive rubberised dildo?

Can you guess which?

Your mum hard at work yesterday.

Can I just say here and now that I'm all for underground film making, the fact that these days it's even easier than ever for any Tom, Dick or Harvey to get access to a camera, cast, crew and editing software enabling them to make their own movie is a fantastic thing.

Most of the time at least.

But for every Gareth Edwards or Carlo Ledesma there are a dozen talent-less myopic hacks with more money and self importance than sense violently forcing their entertainment free and cheese tasting celluloid spunk down our throats like some particularly sadistic cinema sex beast determined to infect everyone they come into contact with with their own brand of cinematic-ally Transmitted Diseases.

you know who you are.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

Less of a movie and more like a straight to DVD dose of anal warts, Peeping Blog is desperate to want to be seen as some kind of real-time art house thriller but with its muffled dialogue, endless POV shots of a car sitting at traffic lights alongside interesting views of store front and random women drinking coffee.

Obviously wannabe Warhol Creep Creepersin is aiming squarely at the chin-stroking crowd with this beauty, unfortunately tho' it's so brain numbingly awful that it ends up more arsehouse than arthouse, a film so energy drainingly boring that I not only lost the will to live whilst watching it but actually lost the ability to shit too.

Seriously, I've been unable to pass a single stool since viewing this and believe me, it's really fucking uncomfortable.

Big plastic cock in mah mooth!

The human race is doomed and the earth finished.

Don't forget to turn the light off on your way out.