Sunday, October 20, 2019

underground barmey.

I'm back from 'the London' in one piece so reckon to celebrate I'd better post something good for todays 31 days of horror.

You're welcome.

URBEX: Urban Explorer (AKA Urban Explorers, 2011).
Dir: Andy Fetscher.
Cast: Nathalie Kelley, Nick Eversman, Max Riemelt, Catherine de Lean, Brenda Koo and Klaus Stiglmeier.

Enjoying a weekend break in Berlin with his exotic girlfriend Lucia (Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift's Kelley looking for all the world like a dirtier Vanessa Hudgens), swoonsome Denis (Eversman from, gulp Hellraiser: Revelations but don't hold that against him.) decides it'd be a laugh to go exploring in the tunnels and tracks below the city.

Well it beats a traditional German sausage fest I guess.

Hooking up with the hip, Euro-trousered guide Kris (Riemelt from teevee's Schandmal - Der Tote im Berg) as well as the fairly exotic but not as exotic as Lucia, bowl-haired, button nosed bisexual French hottie Marie (Twice a Woman's de Lean) and the totally exotic - well she is from Korea - Juna (teevee stalwart Koo), our below ground buddies are soon armed with torches and ready for the big adventure.

Our heroes exploring the beauty spots of the West Midlands.

Kris' big selling point for our thrill seeking tourists isn't just the chance to smell the shit and chase the rats around Berlin's sewer system but to explore a once top secret Nazi bunker.

A top secret Nazi bunker resplendent with murals depicting hunky Aryan soldiers, milk maids and other such trouser stirring stuff.

It seems that the aforementioned bunker was recently rediscovered before being hastily resealed by the authorities, just in case groups of mad as lorry Neo-Nazi arseholes (and Trump supporters) decide to go visit

Pretty sensible really, seeing as you wouldn't want a load of plaid-clad hood wearing inbreds with no sense of history ruining the tourist spots for everyone else.

Europe has enough of that with the English at the moment.

Beware! The bin men cometh.

As they make their way toward the bunker, dodging dog owning drug dealers and slippery eels, Kris is happy to scare the shite out of the group with tales of the spooky ''Odin People"; a group of pagan worshiping genetic super soldiers (better known historically as The Thule Society) bred to take their place amongst the gods as part of a Nazi space programme.

Unfortunately Germany ended up as runners up in World War II so it was decided that the best option would be to bury these Buck Rogers wannabes underground and hope no-one found them.

Truth my friends?

Or bollocks?

"...What does that graffiti say? something like M. Khan is bent..."

Luckily our group arrive intact and spend the next hour admiring the artwork, drinking tea from tin cups and in Marie and Juna's case having a wee bit of the lesbian sexual shenanigans.

Unfortunately this bit is off-screen.

And not even on the DVD as a deleted scene.


Anyway with everyone happy and Kris looking forward to getting paid the merry band of explorers head back to the surface.

Marie tho' being one of those annoying photography types can't help but take a pic of Kris as he's crossing a narrow ledge causing him to fall down a hole, badly bruising his coccyx and tearing his new shirt.

Luckily for Kris (and the plot) Lucia is a nurse meaning that she can stay with Denis and look after our wounded chum whilst Juna and Marie can head back to the surface for help.

Oh yeah, and it conveniently splits the group up therefore doubling their (and our) fright factor.

Nice work Mr. Fetscher.

"Can you smell petrol?" Marie farted and it smelled of shame.

With the girls stumbling around blindly in the dark, Lucia is getting concerned for Kris' health.

If they don't get help soon he may die.

But worse of all the mud stain may not come out of his shirt.

Even at 60 degrees.

Suddenly out of the blue (well out of the tunnels but you know what I mean) comes the hulking form of Jeff Armin (Stiglmeier from Werner Herzog's Invincible), a fish bearded, horse toothed, former border control agent who lives in a converted bunker about ten minutes walk away.

Pulling a stretcher from his back pocket he quickly organises getting Kris back to his humble abode where from he promises to ring the police.

What a nice man.

"So which of you bitches is up for a wee bout of the mooth shite-in ya cheeky bastards?"

Quickly arriving back at Armin's pad, Kris is put to bed and our loved up duo are offered a hot meal where they get to hear all kinds of amusing anecdotes regarding Armin's career, his 'special' training and the fact that he still believes that the divide between East and West Germany exists.

Oh, and the fact that he's a rampant mentalist who may (or may not) have just fed his guests what could be the remains of a few other urban explorers he just happened across earlier.

There's no time to act tho' as suddenly (and without so much as a laugh now) Armin has drugged Denis and thrown him in a cupboard, leaving  Lucia, alone and caked in mud and sweat to be entertained by our toothsome terror.

Will Denis wake up in time to rescue Lucia from Armin's embarrassingly un-PC after dinner chat?

Will Kris get paid?

and where the fuck are Juna and Marie?

What's this?

Another good movie finding it's way into 31 days of horror?

I remember seeing this on release and expecting something forgettably shite (the box does compare it to Creep* which is a bit like a babysitter comparing herself to Kate McCann) so I was pleasantly surprised to find that the multi-talented Fetscher has delivered an intelligently plotted and unnervingly unpredictable little thriller, tightly scripted and brought to life by a top group of likeable and convincing actors.

No really.

They're all smiles now but just wait till the arse banditary starts.

Avoiding the temptation to go for balls to the wall gore, Herr Fetscher carefully builds a feeling of unease and suspense before releasing any violence in short sharp - and realistic - bursts making the movie less a Hostel wannabe (tho' why anything would want to aspire to that is beyond me) and more of an underground Deliverance.

Sexy European girl with a hot mug of tea? Check! Can life get any better?

As opposed to Underground Ernie obviously.

*Not this one.

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