Thursday, October 11, 2018

silicone valley high.

Another (31) day(s of horror), another mutant shark movie.

So who'll surrender first?

Me or the folk that keep producing movies in this quality sub genre?

I blame The Meg and it's box office bonanza myself.

Even tho' this came out 6 years previously.

Two Headed Shark Attack (2012).
Dir: Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray.
Cast: Carmen Electra, Charlie O' Connell, Brooke Hogan, Christina Bach Norman, Morgan Thompson, Gerald Webb, Ashley Bissing, David Gallegos, Anthony E. Valentin Geoff Ward and the lovely Corinne Nobili.

"Wait, if it has two heads then it must have double the teeth!"

Somewhere in the local park paddling pool behind director Ray's house, hunky Simon McCorkindale alike Professor Franklin Babish (O'Connell, brother of teevee's Jerry) and his wife, Anne (ex-Baywatch babe and Marvel comics assassin Electra) are busy teaching a group of (very old looking) teens about life on the ocean waves aboard their boat cum classroom cum skimpy bikini base - the aptly named the Sea King - aided and abetted by the stone breasted Capt. Laura (Ex You Are the Supermodel host Thompson) and funny accented foreign fella's Han and Dikilla (Asylum regular Webb and ex-electrician Valentin).

Haveta admit that's a shitload of characterisation for what is essentially a crap B movie but heyho.

Hogan: you would but you'd be thinking about her dad.

Anyways whilst discussing the best way to use a sextant (snigger) the boat hits a half chewed CGI approximation of a shark which unfortunately becomes lodged in the boat’s propeller, damaging the hull and causing the boat to take on water.

Which is kinda nice.

As Babish and co. run around trying to fix stuff and the students - all jiggly sunburnt breasts and stud muffin chests - attempt to imbue their cardboard characters with something vaguely resembling life a giant two-headed shark appears from nowhere and attempts to have sex with the boat, breaking the radio antenna and causing nice girl student Kate's (Unwell fave and Ex Crocodile Dundee Hogan from Sand Sharks) frankly terrifying tits to slowly undulate from side to side in a manner not unlike a pair of hypnotic sex-trifles.

With Laura needing the ship empty to affect repairs and Anne's breasts wanting some screen time, Babish decides to take students, consisting of the aforementioned Kate, geekily pube bearded Paul (Gallegos), the yummy Kristen (pretty lipped Nobili) and rentahunk Cole (1313: Hercules Unbound! star Ward) alongside a group of soon to die, look-alike pneumatic beach babes and studs over to a nearby (and incredibly handy) atoll aboard a dinghy.

A butchers shop window yesterday.

As Professor Babish tries in vain to enthuse the students, Laura (and her breasts) enter the water in order to repair the big jaggy felt pen line that's appeared on the ship's hull but the shark quickly swallows her whole.

Nope it doesn't spit that bit out.

Meanwhile, as the rest of the group searches the atoll for scrap metal to help repair the boat (?), Kate opens her heart (but fortunately not her scarily skinny chest cavity, well not yet) to Kirsten.

It seems that when she was an ickle girl she was touched up by a shark at the beach or something and has joined the sea school in an attempt to master her fear of water.

Her fear of bad scripts tho' appears to know no bounds.

Realising that we're 25 minutes in and no-one has taken their tops off yet, faceless students Haley (fake tits, big face) and Alison (real tits, small head) decide to indulge themselves (and us) in a wee bit of lesbian based skinny dipping whilst the rodent like fratboy Kirk fondles their peachy arses as says "Whoa!" a lot.

Not too surprisingly the tonguing trio are attacked and eaten by the two-headed shark.

Or a rather large rubber approximation of it.

Tho' it may be fiberglass.

I mean do you really care?

Anyway back with the students and our polytechnic pals have come across (not literally) a couple of small speedboats in a bay but before they can celebrate an earthquake hits the atoll, causing the professor to trip over a stone and graze his leg.

Aya my BCG indeed.

Jam in mah shitey mooth ya bastards!

Nice guys Jeff and Mike offer to take Professor Babish back to the ship for a sticking plaster and a wee cuddle off his wife but on the way back are surprised to see Laura's severed hand floating in the water.

No doubt her rock solid breasts have sunk straight to the bottom before poisoning any fish unfortunate enough to chew on them.

As is the way in these movies, where's there's a rubber head there must be a rubber shark and within seconds of making the ghoulish discovery Jeff and Mike are frenziedly gobbled by the beast.

"Laugh now!"

Meanwhile curvy Kate and polite Paul have managed to repair the abandoned boats and thick as mince Cole has even managed to find some petrol, overjoyed by this he jumps aboard one of the craft along with three of his pals and chugs off upstream prompting Kate and co. to chase after them in the other.

Boat that is not pal.

Nobili: knees.

The teens decide to have an impromptu race, blissfully unaware of the professor and his missis screaming "Shark!" at them.

Tho' by the look on his (manly) visage it appears from a distance that Babish is either having a wank or a stroke.

But tossing teachers is the least of their worries when our two headed pal turns up and attacks Cole's boat and eats a boy, which at least warns the others that it's around, which is a good thing really.

I guess.

Luckily this gives brainy Paul time to work out that the shark, having two heads is twice as good at hearing, hence it's chasing the boat with the biggest engine.

Or something.

Surprisingly thicky Cole figures this out at the same time, abandoning his boat and leaving his pals to face the jaws of death.

What a nice guy.

Returning to shore, Kate bitch slaps Cole for a few minutes before Anne, Professor Babish and the comedy crewmen arrive via a very quiet dingy.

"Put it in me!"

The fight is cut short tho' by another earthquake which leads Babish to surmise that the atoll is collapsing and that this coupled with the fact that they're two thirds thru' the movie means that they have to come up with an escape plan pretty sharpish.

Paul, determined not to die a virgin (contrary to what he told you, your Uncle Peter fucking you violently up the arse doesn't count) comes up with a plan to hook up a handy generator to a couple of metal poles and placing them in the water to distract the shark while Kate (whose dad was a welder) and turncoat Cole travel back to the boat to repair it.

What could possibly go wrong?

Possibly one of the sexiest scenes ever committed to celluloid.

Will Kate overcome her fear of water/sharks etc. in time to fix the ship?

Will Cole come thru' as a hero or fuck off with the boat in an attempt to save his own skin?

Will Kristen get damp and topless before entertaining us with an erotic dance?

And does anyone really care?

From the son of the director of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers comes another Asylum shlockbuster aimed fairly and squarely at the lonely geek masturbation crowd.

Which let's admit it, is most of the readership of this blog.

From their humble beginnings releasing barely watchable  rip off's (Monster anyone?) Asylum have gone from producing shite like Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, The Da Vinci Treasure and The 9/11 Commission Report,  learning from their mistakes to a point where they now give us such top quality entertainment as the Tiffany starrer Mega Piranha and um, that one with David Carradine fighting the big crocodile.

Some things don't change tho' with Asylum still following the company template to the letter with it's unflinching emphasis on beasts, breasts and butts shoddily wrapped in a bow of cut-price CG with a topping of z list stars and yesterdays has beens, 2-Headed Shark Attack delivers exactly what the frighteningly photo-shopped box art promises.

Which is no bad thing if you're home alone on a Friday night with only a pizza, six pack and a box of tissues for company.

I never thought I'd say this but more please.

Especially if they feature Corinne Nobili in an ill fitting bikini.

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