true story (bro).

I was in my local Morrison's the other day and was in line to buy some ham at the deli counter there for a friend who is ill so therefore couldn't shop.

The meat serving man asked me what kind I wanted, and, being a vegetarian and knowing fuck all about meat I had to reply "I have no idea what different kinds of ham there are, please help!"

I'd not realised that I'd been really loud - and fairly stimmy - and soon saw that the guy behind me in line had burst out laughing.

I turn around.

It was top 80s funster David Copperfield from Three of A Kind.

He half leaned over and said "Honey glazed my good man!" to the server whilst I just kinda stared at him for a second before smiling and saying thank you.

I was about to pay for it when he said "No way this one's on me" and handed over his platinum American Express card.

I was shocked and amazed, all I could think of to do was reply with one of my favourite David Copperfield quotes.

"I am a lone lorn creetur... and everythink goes contrairy with me!"

Once again he cracked up and asked me if I had any idea how long it had been since someone said that to him.

I said "a year?"

He replied "try twenty mate".

We ended up having a coffee at the newly opened Costa drive-thru opposite, where I found out that he'd bought a house in Knightswood and has been living there a while.

We talked and talked for about 45 minutes before he said he had to leave because his shopping was defrosting and with that I shook his hand and said he made my day.

As he stood up to leave I noticed a shiny object glinting in his hand.

it was a chrome ice pick.

He smiled stabbing violently and randomly at me with it.

I dropped to the floor and into a pool of my own blood and as I lay there I could just make out a blurry image of the madcap entertainer hoisting a breeze-block above his head.

Thru' the ringing in my ears I could just about hear his his acclaimed version of Classical Gas* as the breeze-block came crashing down, ending my life.

*Classical Gas is an instrumental musical piece composed and originally performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of the Wrecking Crew.

Originally released in 1968 on the album The Mason Williams Phonograph Record, it has been re-recorded and re-released numerous times since by Williams.

One later version served as the title track of a 1987 album by Williams and the band Mannheim Steamroller.

Copperfield often performs it for his encore.