terrorvision.

It's the final episode of Doctor Who tonight so been desperately trying to find something to fill that big, tight Time Lord gap in my teevee schedule.

Bizarrely this features Max Adrian who was actually in Doctor Who when it was good, former Dalek operator Robert Jewell and Simon Oates who starred in Doomwatch which was co-created by Dr. Kit Pedler, who also co-created the Cybermen.

It's like poetry.

 

 

The Terrornauts (1967).

Dir: Montgomery Tully.

Cast: Simon Oates, Zena Marshall, Charles Hawtrey, Patricia Hayes, Stanley Meadows, Max Adrian, Richard Carpenter, Leonard Cracknell, André Maranne, Frank Forsyth and Robert Jewell.

They're houseproud, I'll say that for them. They're houseproud!

Welcome to Project Star Talk - a UK based radio telescope mission - that appears to have been designed by Mr Spoon from Button Moon - set up to search for radio signals from outer space.

Seems legit.

In charge of the project is the bri-nylon clad hunk o' love that is Dr Joe Burke (Doomwatch star Oates) who, whilst helping his "uncle" on an archaeological dig as a child, found a spooky cube that cause him to have strange dreams of alien worlds.

Seems even more legit.

Anyway it was this experience that drove him to create Project Star Talk, tho' I'm pretty sure he never mentioned that during the funding process.

The Famous Five re-union looked a wee bit grim.

 

Assisting him in the mission are the fruit obsessed electronics expert Ben Keller (Brit teevee and movie stalwart Meadows) and token lady Sandy Lund (Marshall who was in Dr No don't you know). 

Unfortunately in the 4 years since the project began they've achieved absolutely bugger all much to the chagrin of facility manager Dr Henry Shore (Adrian, star of such - actual classics as Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The Music Lovers, The Boy Friend and The Devils as well as a top turn in Doctor Who), who gives them a (fairly high pitched) ultimatum - find aliens in the next 90 days or the project is finished.

Luckily they still have a few quid left in the kitty so Keller is sent out to Cash Converters to buy an old CB radio and some wires in the hope that when plugged into the massive Sigma IV aerial on the roof they might have a bit more luck reaching out to Uranus.

Sorry.

 

We had one of these bad boys on our roof in the 80s...surprised no planes hit it.

With all this extra cash getting spent - and not wanting it to turn into another SNP/camper van debacle, the grant board send an accountant, Mr Joshua Yellowlees (Carry On god Hawtrey) to check on everything they've purchased - as well as to give Cockernee char lady Mrs Jones (Comedy legend Hayes) someone to flirt with.

No, seriously.

And it's during one particularly saucy, innuendo laden late night encounter over the Battenberg  cake and crumpets that Burke and company finally receive the signal they've been waiting for - a repeating pattern coming from a fantastically complex robot-controlled space base (disguised as a colander with a few egg boxes attached) on small asteroid in the outer reaches of the solar system. 

Excitedly Burke sends a signal back and eagerly awaits a response.

Imagine their collective surprise then when the following night the reply comes, not in the form of a Close Encounters style PC start-up ditty but as a huge spaceship that lifts the entire building - and its occupants - into its hold and whisks them away to the asteroid, leading the telescope's staff to think that Burke's space shed has exploded killing everyone inside.

Even tho' they all saw the UFO out of the window.

Fake news indeed.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse....but then again...

 

Upon arrival on the asteroid, our heroes are greeted by a robot (that appears to be constructed from an upturned compost bin with a pair of garden shears, an outdoor clothes dryer and an egg whisk attached, expertly played by the afore-mentioned former Dalek operator Jewell) that sets a series of cunning - in a kind of proto-Adventure Game way* -  tests to discover if they are worthy of the task ahead. 

And what, pray, do these tests involve? I hear you ask.

Well first up they have to unlock a lunchbox full of cakes, then they have to decide how best to get thru a sliding door and which way round to hold a gun before deciding whether to shoot a scary alien, fuck it or feed it sandwiches.

No, really.

Let's hear it for that old favourite....."LAUGH NOW!"

Obviously our heroes quickly pass with flying colours (it is a short film) tho' there was some visible wavering regarding the pretty lipped alien monster - especially from Ben if I'm honest - and are rewarded for their endeavors with access to the space bases control room complete with a bright green skeleton wearing a wire festooned shower cap and an extensive library of 'knowledge cubes' which look exactly like the one found by Joe when he was a child.

Result.

Admit it, you would.

 

 

Grabbing an armful of the aforementioned cubes - and a couple clean shower caps (which it appears allows you to 'read' the boxes) -  the heroic band excitedly head back to the control room but on the way a very clumsy - or is it drunk? -  Ben accidentally knocks Sandy onto a small coffee table which causes her to disappear in a puff of smoke.

And a really choppy jump cut.

Yup, turns out the coffee table was in fact a hi-tech matter transmitter which has transported Sandy to a strange alien world very similar to the one from Joe's childhood dreams.

Unfortunately the planet is home to a violent tribe of wobble-breasted men in green face paint, ill-fitting dresses and bald wigs intent on killing Sandy. 

I shall refrain from commenting for fear of reprisals.

 

"Put it in me!"

 

Luckily good ol' Joe figures out what's happened almost immediately and armed with the groovy space gun he was given earlier heads down to the planet for a wee bout of violent gun play and babe rescuing before returning to the space base for a wee kiss and a cuddle.

Fuck yeah.

 

 

 

Whilst all this action stuff has been going down Ben has been busy sorting out the cubes in order of colour (well it was either that or watch Mr Yellowlees and Mrs Jones get more and more suggestive as time goes on - ready for Joe (well he is the hero) to return and tell them what to do next.

And that is sit around like an utter tool wearing a childs swimming hat whilst attaching the wire on top to the side of one of the boxes in order to narrate the history of the alien planet below.

Seriously not even a disheveled Sandy can hide how fucking embarrassed they all look.

Even I felt sorry for them for a minute or so.

Well with only about 15 minutes of the scant runtime left it's time to get down to the rest of the plot good and proper with the terrifying reveal that the savage planet below is actually the home of the folk who built the space base and they've regressed to such a barbaric level due to the effects of a spooky space ray belonging to an alien invasion fleet.

A fleet that is now heading to Earth.

I made this.

 

And so begins a race against time - and taste - as our merry band frantically try to figure out which button (hint, it's the big red one) controls the space bases rockets in an attempt to destroy the incoming invasion fleet before it destroys Earth.... 

 

 

 

Based on the 'popular' 1960 sci-fi novel The Wailing Asteroid written by pulp novelist and inventor of the front projection special effects process (no, really) Murray Leinster, directed (in the loosest possible sense) by Montgomery Tully and produced by Milton Subotsky's Amicus films, The Terrornauts is an end of the pier, low/no-budget oddity that comes across like a community centre production of Quatermass ghostwritten by Rentaghost's Bob Block.

Yes, it's that good.

With upper lips stiffer than the cardboard sets, The Terrornauts is a terribly British tale of space ships and strange shit obviously influenced by Subotsky's earlier Doctor Who adaptations but with a budget closer to the original BBC source material rather than big screen versions that takes itself just seriously enough to cover the fact that most of the hi-tech sci-fi stuff has been hastily thrown together out of the canteen drawers and the fact that everything seems to be shot in either a spare bedroom or someones garden.

Tho' there's no excuse for the sub-Tony Hart gallery submission matte work on show, seriously it looks like a dogs stole some crayons, ate them then vomited.

"My name's Joe....Joe Skywalker!"

As for the cast, they do an admirable job with what they're given - which in Stanley Meadows case is they keys to the local greengrocers - Oates obviously used this as his audition piece for Doomwatch whilst Marshall is obviously thinking about how much money she'll make as a sewing pattern model**

But the films greatest performances are from the comedic powerhouses that are Charles Hawtrey and Patricia Hayes - Hawtrey's prissy accountant appears to have stumbled in from a late 70s Douglas Adams script-edited Doctor Who episode whilst Hayes (slightly) saucy tea lady provides the perfect foil not only to Hawtrey but to the rest of the cast too.

It's just a pity it's not her that gets to beam down to the alien planet to slaughter the bad guys.

Now that would be magnificent.

Seriously The Terrornauts is an under-rated classic. 

Even if the title makes fuck-all sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Ah be still my beating heart as I recall my childhood crush on the dungaree clad Gnoard played by Charmian Gradwell.

Sigh.

 

**£78.96

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 112).

 

Leontine Snell - best known for her portrayal as shiny haired saucepot Luisa Solmi in Pietro Francisci's scifi epic Star Pilot (1966).

venus in furs.

With the latest (or is that last?) series of Doctor Who hurtling toward it's climax after a series of more and more disappointing episodes that seem to have replaced the stuff we loved about the show (monsters! mad adventures!) with stern-faced lectures and self-congratulatory issue-based masturbation I've found myself desperately searching for some top quality sci-fi thrills to fill the Who void.

 

Seriously, it's like reliving being a fan - sorry, enthusiast - during the 80s...Thanks for bringing back those memories Russell!*

 

So with that in mind I finally got around to watching this t'other night after it sitting unloved in a cupboard for fuck knows how long.

To be honest it was well worth the wait as it's a work of utter genius.

Or fevered madness.

You decide.

Apologies if the review/write up goes a wee bit mental but I've actually watched it twice now and still have no idea what the fuck was going on.

"I think only what I said. Nothing more".

 

Star Pilot (AKA 2+5: Missione Hydra - 1966)

Dir: Pietro Francisci.

Cast: Leonora Ruffo, Mario Novelli, Roland Lesaffre, Kirk Morris, Alfio Caltabiano, Leontine Snell, Nando Angelini, Giovanni De Angelis, Gianni Solaro, Antonio Ho, John Chen and Gordon Mitchell.

 

It's the long hot summer of 1966 where on the Mediterranean island of Sardinia a lone horse rider returning from the local tavern is surprised to see a strange alien spaceship (cunningly disguised as a Thermos flask) crash land in a nearby field before disappearing into a convenient hole and causing his horse to shit itself.

Oh and make a small garden wall fall over.

No budget spared here then.

Later that week in sunny and scenic Rome top talc-headed science bloke Professor Bob Solmi (French film legend Lesaffre), his bouncy-haired babe-tastic ADHD raddled daughter Luisa (Actor, choreographer and all round vision of Italian feminine perfection made flesh Snell) and his hunky, spunky lab technician Paolo Nutini (Warriors of The Year 2072 'star' and Matt Berry from Wish Novelli) - after a thrilling and fairly dangerous car ride around the city courtesy of Luisa's complete lack of concentration - have been ordered by the governments top science man to investigate the sudden increase in radiation levels on the island as well as a mysterious patch of dead grass on the school playing fields, much to Luisa's chagrin seeing as she was planning to audition for a dog food commercial that very afternoon.

It's like an X Files/Beechgrove Garden/Corrie crossover but with way tighter Capri pants.

 

"Whoaaa! Bodyform!"

Unbeknown to our heroes there's a sinister gang of Oriental (but definitely NOT Chinese as the keep on explaining to anyone who'll listen) spies are on their tail after mistaking the radiation/dead grass/horse scaring/wall breaking stuff on Sardinia as the proof needed that Professor Solmi is developing a super weapon.

Sounds legit.

After another thrilling car ride (with the Orientals causing as crash in order to sneak one of their agents into the Professors car in order to find out their plans whilst pretending to be asleep (no really) and a scenic helicopter ride over Rome our terrific trio arrive in Sardinia where they meet up with fellow scientists cum beige clad hunks for hire Morelli and Giulio (Latter day documentary maker and  educational TV programmer Angelini and Churchill's Leopards star De Angelis) who proceed to lay the table for dinner as Luisa dances around the kitchen whilst forcing her (albeit peachy) arse into the faces of anyone nearby.

The group retire to bed in advance of a heavy day of science the next morn but their slumber is rudely interrupted by and earthquake opening up a massive cavern behind a nearby rosebush.

And on that bombshell the group hastily get dressed and prepare to investigate.

But not before Luisa has come into the kitchen to proclaim she's only wearing her underwear before returning to her room and coming back fully clothed.

Which is nice.

And to be fair they are very pretty pants.

"Oh Vic I've fallen!"

 

Heading into the cavern the group soon come across the buried spaceship and after moving a large piece of polystyrene out of the way uncover the crafts entrance hatch before excitedly exploring inside.

Finding all this excitement way to tiring everyone heads back for lunch but the feast of cheese and crisp sandwiches and Vimto is rudely interrupted by the evil Oriental spies who were lying in wait in the (fairly roomy it has to be said) wooden shed the scientists call home in order to kill them.

Or steal their secrets.

Or tell them off.

I have no idea.

Anyway the Professor persuades the spies that they haven't got a secret weapon but do in fact have a large alien thermos buried out the back and invite them to see it.

"I shoot you now!"

 

 

But all this banging about earlier has woken the spaceships crew and as the earth folk approach they prepare to attack.

And they do this by sending three milky-thighed Telletubbies (sorry androids) into the cave to, um lie down or something.

Surprisingly this trick seems to work and whilst the scientists and spies are distracted by the telletubbies undulating bellies the aliens attack with deadly sparkler guns, killing two of the spies before subduing Solmi, Luisa, Paolo, Morelli, Giulio, the not at all Chinese Chang and his unnamed pal we'll just call Phil and then politely introducing themselves to their captives.

Enter (yes please) the slinkily seductive commander of the Hydranian forces - the red wigged, fishnet bodysuited Commander Kaela (played to seductive perfection by Ruffo - star of among other things Mario Bava's Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) and your granddads dreams) and her swimming cap sporting, muscle-man cohorts Artie (actor, screenwriter and film director Caltabiano) and Belsy (Morris AKA Adriano Bellini - Italian bodybuilder cum actor and winner of Mr.Italia Bodybuilding contest 1961).

 

Time for Tubbie bye-byes!

The aliens explain that they were investigating reports the humans were capable of creating a doomsday bomb when they accidentally crashed their ship and now need help to repair it in order to get home and politely ask the humans for help before strapping all seeing eyes to them (with handy built-in molecular disrupters in case they try to escape/use the toilet etc) and taking Luisa hostage.

Which is a good excuse for her to strip down to a sheer bodysuit covered in feathers and try to seduce Belsy with a saucy dance whilst he talks about eugenics and murdering genetically inferior folk on his home planet.

To be fair tho' as first dates go that's pretty much perfect.

 

Plucking gorgeous

 

The humans quickly repair the ship (to be fair it's a fairly short movie) but not before Morelli (or the other one) has managed to sneakily send a message to their boss Dr. Chang (latter day ice cream Solaro - AKA John Sun - who is also bizarrely not Chinese) resulting in Commander Kaela electrocuting him (to death) and the army being mobilized to fight the alien horde.

Saying that tho' can three people actually constitute a horde?

Answers on a postcard please.

Anyway as the mighty military forces (well 6 guys and a jeep) advance on the cavern Kaela decides to change the deal and take the humans with her to the planet Hydra, partly because she's fascinated by their unique 'genetic material' (which I assume is shorthand for Paolo's peach arse) but mainly for the fact that they need extra crew members seeing as the androids where all killed meaning they have no-one to clean the toilets.

And with that they blast off into space.

 

Next stop....Button Moon!

 Cue 30 (very) odd minutes of flirting, bouncy space walks and cool dancing - and more flirting - on an alien planet before being attacked by space monkeys and all while Professor Solmi waxes lyrical about Einstein's theory of relativity and how, because they've been traveling so fast that Earth’s past  is now their future.

Or something.

And just to prove this theory a Russian (or more likely Bulgarian) space capsule floats by giving Paolo and Kaela an opportunity to play on a kiddies trampoline whilst pretending to be in space whilst holding silver-sprayed 'space snorkels' in the (albeit very pretty) mouths as they head to investigate.

How I met your mother.

 

Climbing aboard the pair quickly come across (but not in that way) a pair of motorcycle helmeted skeletons clutching a copy of the 1978 Readers Wives calendar proving Solmi's (and Einstein's) theory correct.

But just in case the audience are particularly thick they access the ships computer just to explain the situation again.

This leaves Kaela and the crew with a serious dilemma.

Do they continue on to the planet Hydra in the hope that it's still there and not abandoned after some heavy rainfall or something or do they head back to Earth in the hope that it hasn't been destroyed in a nuclear war.

There's a clue in the trailer by the way.

 

 

From the visionary director (as in he had eyes) Pietro Francisci - the man behind Hercules, Samson and Ulysses, Hercules Unchained and Sinbad and the Caliph of Baghdad among other classics - comes one of the most slap-dash, threadbare, nonsensical yet most entertaining movies - named Star Pilot or even 2+5: Missione Hydra obviously - ever made.

Taking its cues from the likes of World Without End (1956), Devil Girl from Mars (1951) and The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) by way of the best of pulp sci-fi (Perry Rhodan** I'm looking at you) and Buster Crabbe's Flash Gordon,  2+5: Missione Hydra has everything we love about 60s Italiana - a cast decked out in arse-hugging leather thongs over spandex leggings (for the men) and sheer body stockings, eye gouging pointy bras and feathers (for the laydees) via talcum powered grey wigs and big quiffs and all set to a way out futuristic, big(ish) band score from Nico Fidenco (AKA Italian pop god, soundtrack ace and frequent Joe D'Amato collaborator Domenico Colarossi, best known for being the first Italian singer to sell one million copies of a single, the hit ditty What a Sky from the film Silver Spoon Set) and all played out on sets constructed entirely from old television sets, tin foil and MDF board.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that at the halfway point a group of flea infested ape men turn up and start fighting everyone.

See Kubrick that's how you do apes.

I mean what's not to love?

And that's even before mentioning the sheer playful sexiness that oozes thru' the celluloid every time Leonora Ruffo and Leontine Snell (oh go on then and Kirk Morris, who owns probably THE tightest arse I have ever seen - seriously he could crack walnuts with one flex of his buttocks) appear on screen.

Pure interplanetary perfection.

 

Obviously upon completion the director knew he had a sci-fi classic that was ahead of its time on his hands which is probably why it was dubbed into English and re-released in 1977 to show that pesky newcomer George Lucas how science fiction should be done.

So there.

I mean without this movie we'd have never been blessed with such classics as Alfonso Brescia's masterpiece Battaglie Negli Spazi Stellari (or his The Beast in Space so you can't have everything) as well as those old favourites Starcrash and The Humanoid.

Pure cinematic sci-fi perfection.

*No seriously, look:

 

**Who even got his own movie with the 1967 release of Mission Stardust (AKA …4 ..3 ..2 ..1 …Morte, Perry Rhodan – SOS aus dem Weltall).

mary beard.

Been busy doing some actual work of late but didn't want you to feel left out so decided to do a quality sword and sorcery style double bill last night as a way to placate my ever dwindling readership.

Didn't finish till about 4:30 AM tho' which'll explain why the review is so short.

No doubt you'll be grateful for small mercies.


Hercules in the Haunted World (AKA Ercole al centro della terra, 1961).
Dir:Mario Bava.
Cast: Reg Park, Christopher Lee, Leonora Ruffo, George Ardisson, Marisa Belli, Ida Galli, Mino Doro, Gaia Germani, Franco Giacobini, Rosalba Neri (probably) and Ely Drago.

You know, I didn't think Hades would be anything like this.

After literally dozens of fantastically exciting (offscreen) adventures, legendary nappy clad strongman Hercules (English bodybuilder, businessman, actor and dad of Darth Maul, Park) is returning home to catch up with his girlfriend Princess Deianira (Ruffo from Pietro Francisci's fantastic Star Pilot where she plays the saucy space vixen Kaena) for a wee kiss and a cuddle.

And maybe a biscuit.

Custard Creams no doubt.

Yum.

But things are amiss in the city of Cleftpate - Deianira has been struck down by a mysterious malaise and her father has died leaving her uncle Lico (Lee, slumming it for fag money) to reluctantly - aye right - to take the throne.

And Hair styling tips from Dario Argento by the look of his barnet.

Fringe benefits.

Hercules, never one to give up so easily (ask your mum) quickly heads off to ask the saucy masked oracle lady Medea (Germani) for help.

Obviously Ms Teletext was busy.

And wouldn't you believe it, it turns out there's a cure for Deianira's condition (tho' not for her dad's obviously, Hercules isn't really that bothered about that tho' as he didn't want to fuck him), unfortunately it can only be found in the Underworld.

And by that I mean Hell, not the bar that used to be by Glasgow Central Station.

Tho' I did once bump into a man that looked like Christopher Lee in the toilets there once.

Or was it Christopher Plummer?

But that isn't important, unlike the fact that no mortal man has ever returned from that dreadful place.

Again it's Hell I'm talking about, not the Glasgow bar.

Or even the London one.

Born slippy.

Hercules as we know is no mortal man and eagerly agrees to take the challenge.

But first he'll need to get a crack team of heroes together to help.

Unfortunately everyone is busy so he's left with Aryan stud muffin - cum future sex criminal the way he's carrying on, it was a more innocent time etc. - Theseus (Ardisson, best known for Agent 3S3: Passport to Hell and Zorro the Fox) who, when we first meet him is busy trying to stick it in the ever more despairing Jocasta (Drago best known for playing a tourist in Avventura a Capri - aye me neither) and former animated kid sidekick and peeping tom Telemachus (comedy god Giacobini) who has been busying himself perving on Jocasta and Theseus as they go about their - dirty - business whilst telling anyone who'll listen that she is in fact his fiancee.

Honestly it makes more sense when you watch it.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

With his team assembled the first thing Hercules needs to do is find a magic ship capable of traveling to Hades and as luck (and dodgy plotting) would have it the local fisherman Brian has just such a vessel so Telemachus volunteers to go speak to him.

Comedy hi-jinks and almost bodily dismemberment ensues (turns out that Telemachus once tried to fuck his missis) resulting in Brian leaving the boat unguarded as he chases his beloved horses giving the team ample opportunity to steal it and sail to adventure.

Little do they realise tho' that Lico is actually the evil force behind the whole plot and he'll stop at nothing to make sure our heroes fail and secure his right to the throne.

Luckily his back up plan seems to involve leaving them to it whilst he struts about in a cape shouting in a badly dubbed American accent.

"Is it in yet?"

Their first port of call is a strange land ruled by purple tissue paper clad ladies who guard a magic apple that will allow Hercules to descend to Hell, luckily they don't seem to have a problem with him taking it and point him in the direction of the - albeit huge - apple tree in order to let him pick it.

Unfortunately tho' it's a magic tree protected by lightning and stuff that no-one has ever survived.

Hercules is made of stern stuff tho' and after telling his companions to go for a wee lie down he decides to climb the tree and grab the apple.

The girlie tribe tho' are ruled over by the evil Pluto who demands a sacrifice on occasions like this so sends Procrustes the giant rock monster to kill
Theseus and Telemachus whilst they sleep.

Gah.

"It could be you!"

As the rock monster (very) slowly approaches our prone pair Hercules is having trouble of his own, the lightning bolts keep breaking the branches he's holding on to and the small size of the set means that he appears to keep climbing up the same bit and never getting any higher leaving him - and the effects crew - no other option than to fashion a vine catapult capable of firing a polystyrene rock at the apple in the hope it'll fall down.

No, really.

Surprisingly this works first time and the lady boss excitedly tells Hercules that seeing as the apple is no longer on the tree that Pluto has no power over them and the ladies are now free of the patriarchy and the like.

If only it were that easy.

And as a thank you she explains that a rock monster is about to butcher his pals so Hercules heads off to save them, which he does by effortlessly lifting the beast and chucking it at a shoddily constructed wall which collapses, revealing the entrance to Hell.

Sorted.

"I am Groot."

Telemachus, being a wee bit more sussed than he lets on, volunteers to guard the entrance whilst Hercules and Theseus forge ahead soon coming across (not in that way but to be honest it's tempting) a naked lady chained to a tree begging for help.

Or at the very least a bucket to piss in.

Theseus is eager to help but Hercules reminds him of the oracles advice - 'believe not what you see'.

No me neither.

But there's no time to think about it as with that she disappears in a puff of smoke.

Which is a shame really as I'm sure she was portrayed by Rosalba Neri from Lady Frankenstein.

I mean according to various sources she is in the movie it's just that no-one seems to know where.

It's like Where's Wally but with nicer blouses.

Oh well.

What your mum really gets up to on bingo night.

This advice also helps when the pair are confronted by an imaginary but oh so terrifying - sea of flames blocking their path to the island of the magical stone of forgetfulness but not so much when they have to shimmy across a lake of molten lava as that turns out to be real when Theseus falls into it.

Don't get too worried tho' as by some bizarre quirk of fate Pluto was so annoyed at losing control of the ladies earlier that he totally missed Theseus dying so our (other) hero ends up safe and well in a paper-mache cave in the company of the beautiful Persephone (Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart from Fulci's The Psychic as well as Bava's The Whip And The Body) the mysterious and lonely daughter of Pluto.

It seems that she's bored of her pitiful existence and wishes to live in the mortal realm, much to her father's chagrin, and after falling madly - and quickly - in love with Theseus vows to accompany him home.

Theseus is sure Hercules will object so quickly stuffs her in his sock for safe-keeping whilst awaiting Hercules' triumphant return with the magic stone.

Look, it's not like we think he isn't going to succeed is it?

I mean fair enough they do try to add a touch of excitement by having the stone a wee bit hot so that Hercules burns his fingers every time he  tries to pick it up but he soon sorts this out by punching it till the glowing bit breaks off then wrapping it in his underwear to carry it.

Like I said, they tried.

There is such a thing as too much colour.

With apple and stone acquired it's time for our hero to head back to
Telemachus, stopping quickly to join up with Theseus - whom he just happily accept didn't burn to death in a lava pit for 'reasons' and then it's ship ahoy! for the trip home.

Theseus tells Hercules that he's very tired after his near death experience and retires below deck to 'sleep' leaving poor Telemachus to act as navigator, bosun and cabin boy as Hercules stands on the bow gazing into the middle distance whilst trying to move his nipples using only the power of the mind.

Luckily the crashing waves and howling winds cover the slurping noises coming from below as Theseus and Persephone go at it like (PG friendly) rabbits.

All this stormy weather is a bit worrying for Hercules as the purple ladies from earlier told him that the apple would grant him safe passage home, this is confirmed by Telemachus who surmises that there must be something/someone else onboard that shouldn't be there before dismissing this and going to ask Theseus for advice.

Theseus, wiping his engorged member on Telemachus' togo reckons it's nowt to do with him sneaking Pluto's daughter onboard so proceeds to throw the apple away which surprisingly does the trick and they make land without any further delay.

Phew.

"Oh Vic...I've fallen."

But something is wrong, the local populace are leaving their lands as it's become dry and arid, their livestock is dying and a sense of fear perminates the whole area. Superstition has it that Pluto is angry with the mortal world, almost as if something has been taken from him.

Hercules doesn't seem to care tho' as he's more interested in getting his end away, as does Theseus so the pair head back to the city leaving Telemachus to get back to stalking Jocasta.

It's a hobby I guess.

With the special stone sought and delivered Deianira is soon back to her normal - albeit still wooden self - and eagerly planning her wedding to Hercules but Lico has other ideas, for during the upcoming lunar eclipse - due in part to Pluto's wrath - he plans to sacrifice Deianira to the god of darkness (or Dave as we call him), drink her blood and rule the world with the aid of a curtain clad zombie army he has hidden in the basement.

Hercules can't fight him alone but with Theseus busy having 'the sex' how can our hero convince his friend that the old adage of Bro's before hoes isn't actually just childish sexism but the key to saving the world?

Poster.

Hot off the heels of his first 'official' film as sole director - the magnificent Black Sunday - genre god Mario Bava was hired to direct (as well as do the special effects, double as director of photography and no doubt make the tea) the second of the Reg Parks starring/ Achille Piazzi produced Hercules movie providing he could do so whilst keeping the budget under 30 quid and shooting it in a (fairly large) shed.

Bava always up for a challenge agreed on the proviso that he could shoot at least a few scenes in the local park and that they'd supply the Quality Street wrappers he'd need for the FX sequences.

Luckily for fans of quality cinema Piazzi said yes and the resulting movie is a triumph of pizazz over pennies with all the charm, ingenuity and stylish set-pieces that became trademarks of the directors output present and correct, the movie could be nothing else but prime Bava and he knows it.

"It was THIS big...I couldn't walk for weeks!"

And it's Bava's absolute confidence in his directorial - and design - abilities that makes the movie such a joy to watch, raising it head and - muscular - shoulders above its contemporaries -  whether it be scenes of Hercules holding back four wild horses in a classic strongman pose or the gorgeously framed aftermath of the handmaiden's murder as the camera calmly pans from her throat to a pool of blood, revealing Lico’s reflection within (later homaged by Argento in Deep Red) almost every frame could literally be a work of art.

Seriously, say what you like about the - at times minimal - acting style and admittedly paper thin plot cos the whole thing looks bloody gorgeous and you can see only two films in to his illustrious career why Bava was and is still regarded as The Master.

 

Unlike Tonino Ricci obviously.

 

Thor the Conqueror (1983)
Dir: Tonino Ricci.
Cast: Luigi Mezzanotte (AKA Conrad Nicholls), Malisa Longo, Raf Falcone, Maria Romano and some gypsies.

It is a time of magic and mystery (still) and the evil Lord Gnut (Raf Falcone, yup he of The Italian Job) decides to murder not only his arch rival King Linda (I'm sure that's what they say) but also his leggy wife and ball headed child - for Gnut is a very bad man.

Luckily the God Teisha places the newborn in hiding, safe from Gnuts evil clutches and turns Linda's mighty sword into a snake (as you would).

Jumping forward 25 years we find ickle baby Thor has grown up to look like Italian 'B' movie stud muffin Luigi Mezzanotte (AKA Conrad Nicholls), all rippling oily six-pack, furry pants and hairy nipples.

His only companion, a 6 ft. down at heel reject from Ru-Paul's Drag Race complete with shoulder pads Joan Collins would murder for and a libido that would terrify even John Leslie.

Thor?....Phwoooaaarrrrr more like!!

For this is the legendary Etna the Bird-Man (didn't you guess?), a powerful wizard, so named because he has the power to transform himself into an owl.

And not cos he looks like a lassie.

 

Etna it transpires will be our narrator for the proceedings, this will be useful because it means he can just tell us about the exciting stuff rather than showing us, seeing as the films budget doesn't even stretch to a few horses or a donkey for our hero to ride on.

Anyway, as with all these types of movie, Thor is destined to undertake a great quest under Etna's guidance. He must locate his fathers sword and take revenge on Gnut.

La Cage Aux Folles...The Steptoe years.

 
It's not all plain sailing tho' as along the way Thor must battle everything from blue painted, bare buttocked cannibals, frightening demons in a cave, a group of friendly fishermen who offer him food (yup, he just kills anything really) and a hunting party of 'sexy' warrior virgins.

OK, he only kills a few of those, sparing the life of the lovely Ina (Romano, star of the fabulous Women’s Prison Massacre).

 

Chicken in mah mooth!

Although he's only kept Ina alive to do his cooking, clean his furry pants etc. love soon blossoms between them, as Thor romantically tweaks her nipples under a tree he grunts "You Thor's woman....you bare Thor the gift of children."

How could any sane girl refuse?

 

Anyway some fantastic shagging ensues (intercut with sunsets, mountains etc.) before Thor continues on his quest for revenge.

 

I'm pretty sure some other stuff happens too, like Ina getting killed and Thor shagging a blonde bird but to be honest I've tried to block this movie from my memory.

You can probably tell that when I do that to a film it must be a bad 'un.

Didn't stop me buying it tho'.

Thor battling some stunningly
realistic demons yesterday.

Thor is another experiment in tedium from ace director Tonino Ricci, the man behind such classics as Buck at the Edge of Heaven, Night of the Sharks and Robin Hood... Arrow, Beans and Karate (yup, you've sat thru' all of those too eh?) and 'writer' Tito Carpi of Ultimo Mondo Cannibale, Tentacles and the fantastic The Raiders of Atlantis.

Unlike this fetid shite, Raiders is a film that really has to be seen to be believed, with a plot that manages to include Atlantis, Vietnam vets, Russian nuclear subs, top director Michele Soavi in a rare acting role and has a baddie called 'Crystal Skull'.

Tho' to be fair he did direct the David Warbeck monster mayhem masterpiece Panic so we should probably cut him some slack.

Maybe.

"Don't touch the hair!"

Frighteningly (or surprisingly) the crew weren't half-cut jakey's as first imagined but some of the best people working in Italy at the time (well, by best I mean not bad) and featured such luminaries as Giovanni Bergamini, the cinematographer from Cannibal Ferox, the Richard Kiel starrer The Humanoid and the terrific nuke mutants/motor-psychos exploitationer Exterminators from the Year 3000.

Titles.

The make-up effects (of which I can't remember any) were the work of the diminutive Mr. Pietro Tenoglio (he of the bacon covered rabbit from Anthropophagous: The Beast), so how this group of bona-fide geniuses can come together and produce this beggars belief.

Maybe it was a case of too much talent and not enough booze?

Still 23rd Century (remember them?) released it a few years back as a poundshop 'exclusive' so it'd probably be worth trying to find a copy at your local 2nd record shop or whatever.

Just for completest value of course.