death by stereo.
Just the right thing to get your party going with a bang.
Probably.
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 9:34 PM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, bizarre, film, homemade, music, romero, sexyness, simonetti, the horror, zombies
On the home stretch of 31 Days of Horror now and just realised that I've not featured my favourite Autistic actor yet.*
So I'll do that right now.
Simon Says (2006)
Director: William Dear.
Starring: Sir Crispin of Glover, Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes, Carrie Finklea, Kelly Vitz, Artie Baxter and Blake Lively.
Anyway 'Hmmm' thinks the audience, 'twin brothers...could they be the killers?'.
Well that might be the case and if it is it's a pity then that the director chose to show pics of the real 'killer twins' in the opening credits leaving us with no doubt that it's the magnificent Mr. Glover playing the mentalist.
Anyway, after a comment about 'filling holes' the brothers send the group on their way reminding them to stop in at the local shop (for local people) for supplies first.
Which is thoughtful.
Arriving at the run down miner's tool shop cum garage cum convenience store they're startled when the owner pops up from behind the counter shouting "Don't steal mah beer it's bad!".
Ladies and gentlemen our hero (and the sole reason for watching) has arrived.
It;s Crispin playing Simon and who by this point we know is dead so I reckon it's safe to say that this is really Crispin playing Stanley in 'disguise'.
A disguise that consists of a pair of filthy waders and a large hat.
Genius.
Luckily bad boy Riff scares Simon away by shouting "Retard!" at him and the teens go about their business.
Overly excited by his show of manliness Riff heads off for a wee where he comes across (wouldn't we all?) the suave and sophisticated Stanley who promptly apologies for his brother before refusing to sell them fags ("smoking kills!") and drooling over Kate's hand whilst calling her 'dream girl'.
He does point them in the direction of the most secluded part of the woods tho' so it isn't all bad.
Just the acting.
This films equivalent of a making of book. |
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 9:05 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, film, reviews, slasher, the horror
You know when you get to that point on a Saturday night when you've eaten and drunk so much
you can't move so just grab the first thing on the shelf?
The Rift, (AKA Endless Descent, 1990).
Dir: Juan Piquer Simón.
Cast: Jack Scalia, R. Lee Ermey, Ray Wise, Deborah Adair, John Toles Bey, Ely Pouget, Emilio Linder, Tony Isbert, Álvaro Labra, Luis Lorenzo, Frank Braña, Pocholo Martínez-Bordiú, Edmund Purdom, Garrick Hagon as Barton (as Garick Hagon) and Jed Downey.
"Bio-lab, sick bay, and the engine room are off limits. The algae has infected them!" |
Top secret supersub Siren I (or is it Syren? or Sirene? no-one seems to be sure if I'm honest) has disappeared in mysterious circumstances leaving the bigwigs in Washington (played by the legendary - well around here anyway Edmund Purdom and Biggs Darklighter himself Garrick Hagon) no choice but to turn to the subs original designer - the big haired living beefcake that is Wick Hayes (American teevee regular and Eminence underpants model Scalia, looking for all the world like a love child of 80s era Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell if bought from Wish) to investigate the situation.
The official line is that Hayes shoddy design was to blame for the disaster but it turns out that this was just a cover story to hide the fact that the military added some secret stuff to the original Siren (nuclear torpedoes, experimental gene replicators, a dartboard etc.) without asking his permission.
Which would be OK if they admitted it to the folk Hayes will be working with as right now they all think he's just a bad designer with a shit mullet who gets folk killed due to negligence.
"What is this? Have you built a submarine for ants?!!?" |
Leading the mission is the ball-breaking, no nonsense navy Capt. Phillips (Lee Ermey, essaying his role from Full Metal Jacket) ) alongside the Lego-haired bio-genetics expert Lt. Nina Crawley (Dynasty, The Love Boat, Days Of Our Lives and Melrose Place star Adair) who, it turns out used to be in a relationship with Hayes.
This is fairly unimportant tho' and will only come up once in the entire film and then only with them holding hands and gazing into each others eyes for about 30 seconds.
Let's just say character building is not this films strong point.
Neither is plot, effects or acting tho' if I'm honest.
Also onboard to fill out the painting-by-numbers cast - which I will admit does feature a comedy Italian cook played by Luis Lorenzo in his best "Itsa me Mario!" voice, a terrifyingly eyebrowed German engineer played by Frank Braña from Pieces, "Skeets" - a wise-cracking cliched 80s black man in tiny silk shorts shouting "Shit!" a lot played by John Toles-Bey from Dude, Where's My Car? and Lawnmower Man II 'star' Ely Pouget looking a wee bit sweaty as Ana - is a mysterious and twitchy new computer expert Harold Robbins - no, not that one - played by Ray Wise, obviously trying to cover his mortgage before starting to film Twin Peaks.
So with the cast introduced it's time to power up the Siren II (think the Seaview set from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea hastily reconstructed in an old Radio Shack warehouse and sprayed silver to hide the cracks) as they head out into the unknown to search for the ill-fated Siren's black box recorder or something.
To be honest none of this makes any sense.
A yellow submarine parked in the town where I was born yesterday. |
After an exciting ZX81 graphics style encounter with some icebergs (turns out the navigation system hasn't been aligned properly for all the new shit they've added to the sub which is nice) the sub dives to over 27,000 feet (no me neither) into a mysterious abyss (not that one) where the crew are surprised to see a massive kelp forest at depths where photosynthesis is impossible.
Spooky.
Wanting to pad out the runtime, sexy haired Sven (Spanish teevee god and actually aristocrat Martinez) is sent out to investigate - in scuba gear which is a wee bit mad seeing as it would only work up to (down to?) 130 feet but let's be honest, are we really here for the science?
Well Lt Crawley is as she very quickly blames this development on the experimental transgenic accelerator that the Siren crew were testing.
Anyway upon leaving the sub Sven soon comes across not only a dead body and an old toilet seat but mysterious jet stream of warm water emanating from a crack in the seabed.
Everything is going swimmingly (sorry) as he carefully takes a sample of the kelp but as soon as he tries to take some photographs the flash awakens the vines which tear him limb from limb.
Shocked and more than a little surprised by their encounter with the killer seaweed the crew decide to surface and radio for back-up only to find the sub engulfed by what looks like a discarded condom that attempts to crush them - and the sub - to death.
No caption required. |
Luckily Hayes knows a thing or two about dealing with used condoms and orders Robbins to reverse the polarity of the subs shields in order to electrocute it and scare it away.
Look it sounded legit at the time.
Surprisingly this actually works and the condom beast retreats but not before draining all the ships power sending it hurtling to not just the bottom of the ocean (which is 35,876 feet down and is found in the Pacific Ocean's Mariana Trench, at a place called Challenger Deep fact fans) but even further still to 45,000 feet according to the ships readouts.
Now I'm no scientist but surely that would mean that they'd go all the way thru and pop out the other side a wee bit like the end of At The Earth's Core or something doesn't it?
As all around him panic, Hayes manages to pilot the sub onto a handy ledge that leads into a pressurized undersea cavern from which - deep inside - they pick up an SOS from the Siren.
Which is quite lucky seeing as when the crew investigate they can do it in decorators overalls and painters masks rather that in expensive scuba gear whilst wobbling about on wires as they're filmed thru' a fish tank.
Here come the Belgians! |
Boarding a kiddies Paw Patrol dingy the crew soon make shore where they come across scattered piles of equipment from the siren but no signs of life - or intelligent script writing obviously - so decide to head further into the caverns where they find a huge stack of high-tech CD roms explaining the entire plot (which is quite lucky).
Preparing to head back to the sub they're suddenly attacked - in a scene that would do 70s Doctor Who proud - by giant ball-headed paper-mache bees that live in holes in the cave walls.
Imagine Aliens remade by Haribo infused toddlers and you're halfway there.
The team split up, running and screaming in different directions with Hayes and "Skeets" (and someone else but seeing as they're all wearing masks I can't really tell) managing to make it back to the sub before the character that's not either of them gets eaten by a giant rubbery mutant cod.
Who knew genetic splicing could be so much fun?
Unfortunately it's no safer aboard the Siren II tho' as the kelp sample has mutated (again) and has begun infecting the crew via the subs water system and making the engine room look like an overgrown garden.
Laugh now. |
As our heroes discuss a plan of action the radio crackles to life. It appears that poor Ana is trapped in a cupboard, low on ammo and surrounded by beasts.
Obviously Hayes decides to mount a rescue mission (as opposed to mounting "Skeets" who I must admit has a really nice arse, especially in those aforementioned silk shorts) so the remaining crew suit up and head back into the caves.
Fighting their way toward Ana the team are (fairly) surprised - this happens a lot - to discover a room full of specimen cages and computers whilst Ana, heading deeper into the makeshift lab complex has discovered dozens of amniotic sacs contain strange hybrid human/fish babies (or people from West Bromwich as we call them here) alongside a giant genetic splicer cum DNA accelerator that surprisingly looks like a large industrial washing machine with a disco ball on top.
Oh yes and a giant man-eating starfish stuck to a wall.
At least it's not chocolate. |
Unfortunately Ana doesn't get much chance to examine the beast as no sooner has she stopped for breath than some slimy tentacles slip out of the accelerator and drag her inside in order to fiddle with her genes.
Tho' I thought she was wearing Chinos.
But as our merry band fight for survival in the caves, Robbins is busy back at the sub packing the recovered CDs into a rucksack before prepping the escape pod.
It seems he's a government spy who's only onboard to recover the missing data and dispose of anyone who discovers the truth regarding the fate of Siren I.
What a rascal.
Will Hayes and co. make it back to the sub in time?
Or will Robbins kill our heroes and score one for the evil government agency?
Go on, guess.
Strange as it may seem to any youngsters reading, way back in the late 80s/early 90s there was a huge upsurge in underwater adventure movies James Cameron had announced The Abyss so almost every film company and producer going, from Roger Corman to Dino De Laurentiis jumped in at the deep end to snatch a piece of this fish pie.
Obviously with all the secrecy surrounding The Abyss everyone assumed that the movie would be in the same style as Aliens so water-based bio-mechanoid menaces were on the bill with Lords Of The Deep, Leviathan and Deepstar Six among the first to be released.
Bizarrely there's more than just a cash-grab genre link with Leviathan and The Rift, you see both films were co-produced by (an uncredited) Dino De Laurentiis who must have really loved this script.
Or needed a tax break obviously.
"You chase me now!" |
So with that tiny bit of backstory out of the way the main question is - is it any good?
Well it's from Juan Piquer Simon that made Pieces so it all kinda rest on what you think of that really.
Oh and if you enjoyed his adaptation of Slugs obviously.
But probably not Cthulhu Mansion as that is genuinely shite.
Even tho' it features the frankly fantastic Frank Finlay and another star turn from Frank Braña.
Oh and Melanie Shatner.
But I digress.
The Rift is cheap as chips with an almost total lack of any acting or characterization (save for Ray Wise and his coffee jitters and the permanently scowling R. Lee Ermey) and a plot so paper thin that it actually blew away at one point when I moved too quickly past the teevee to have a piss, the effects could hardly be call 'special' or even effects and the monsters are hardly seen (except for the big starfish that is which just bought Contamination to mind, whether that's good or bad I'll leave to you) but bizarrely enough I couldn't stop watching.
Yes maybe I'd drunk way too much and couldn't move from the sofa but I could've still passed out if it were that bad.
I mean ask your Auntie Jean if you don't believe me.
Studly. |
But scarily it's infinitely watchable - yes you've seen it all before (and done so much better) but somehow it wins you over and by the end credits you realise that it wasn't actually that bad at all.
I'm either getting soft in my old age or I'm beginning to lose my mind as I hit my mid 50s.
Either way it's all good.
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 8:00 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, action, alcohol, big animals, bizarre, film, haircut, horror, reviews, sci-fi, spain, the horror
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 11:48 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, film, horror, John Carpenter
With it being the home stretch of this whole 31 days of horror fiasco I've decided that it's time to revisit this quality Joe D'Amato 'classic' as a way of 'celebrating'.
I'm blaming this on the fact that I rewatched Wild Beasts t'other day and felt like a frisky femme fix after the joy of seeing Lorraine De Selle strut her sexy stuff.
Don't be too harsh on me tho' when I admit to having a really soft spot for this film, it was one of those movies that always sat at the back of your 'nasties' cupboard when you were 15 (alongside the Malcolm McDowell masterpiece Caligula and Mad Foxes).
The 80's: That's how we all dressed. |
"Are you looking at my bra?" |
"Excuse me I appear to have accidentally stuck my cock in you". |
"Put it in me!" |
Funari: Smashing arse. |
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 8:00 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, cannibal, film, italian, Joe D'amato, manbreasts, nekkid, reviews, undies, zombies
Well it wouldn't be 31 Days of Horror without a wee bit of Udo Kier and whilst not really "The 'Orrah" it was once banned as a video nasty and if it's good enough for the Director of Public Prosecutions then it's bloody well good enough for me.
Enjoy!
Exposé (AKA House on Straw Hill, Trauma. 1976).
Dir: James Kenelm Clarke.
Cast: Sir Udo of Kier, Lynda Hayden, Fiona Richmond, Patsy Smart, Vic Armstrong and Karl Howman.
Linda Hayden's breasts: responsible for the needless deaths of thousands of teen boy sperm in the 70's.
|
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 8:00 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, film, reviews, sexyness, udo, undies
Been busy doing some actual work of late (well I say actual work but in reality I've been cutting together hundreds of unrelated horror clips in some kind of order for a Halloween club night in town...it's an Autistic gift) but didn't want you to feel left out so decided to do a quality double bill last night as a way to placate my ever dwindling readership during this fangtastic 31 days of horror.
Plus Blogger seems to be pulling my reviews left, right and centre at the moment so I reckon a double dose may confuse them..
Anyway they're both fairly short as I've been up late and am slightly knackered.
No doubt you'll be grateful for small mercies.
Me? I'm just grateful I can still buy shite like this in the pound shop.
As ever normal 'mooth-shite in' will be resumed as soon as I finish up everything....
Or get a total ban obviously.
But enough chat, let's begin with the bone-tastic.....
Army of The Dead (2008).
Dir: Joseph Conti.
Cast: Ross Kelly, Stephanie Marchese, Miguel Martinez, Mike Hatfield, Audrey Anderson, Vic Browder, Jocelyn Tucker and some skeletons.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAANNGGEERRSSS!!!!" |
Undead skeletons on the rampage? Well don't expect this guy, the movie's too cheap even for him. |
"OK everyone.....LOOK AT THE DOG!" |
Insert cock here. |
With a budget less than the amount it takes to get your sister drunk and with costumes supplied wholesale from your friendly neighbourhood Poundland, how could you possibly slag off Joseph Conti's CGI shite fest?
Well for a start the acting ranges from serviceable to sodden, there's way too much time taken up with footage of steroid-strapped VW's cruising around the desert, it features one of the most abysmal beards ever to grace the screen and there's a distinct lack of nudity.
But we're here for the skeletons right?
And surprisingly they're not too shady, fairly scary and almost indestructible.
Their only weakness?
A giant Tesla coil.
Ahem, quite.
Well what did you expect for a quid?
Jason and The Argonauts?
Dr. Moreau's House of Pain (2004).
Dir: Charles (mighty, fallen) Band.
Cast: John Patrick Jordan, Jessica Lancaster, Peter Donald Badalamenti
II, Lorielle New, Ling Aum, B.J. Smith, Debra Mayer, Laura Ushijima
and Jacob Witkin.
“My surgical skills might have been a bit sharper
if you hadn’t have cracked my skull open.” |
Square faced second rate pugilist Eric (Jordan, better known as Tommy in
Porky's: The College Years) is sitting in an old convertible outside a
sleazy nightclub, desperately trying to find his brother Roy, who's
disappeared at some point prior to the opening titles.
The film isn't that specific as to say where or when, I have a feeling it might not be that important.
Along for the ride are ace girl reporter Mary Ann (the late, great Mayer
from Decadent Evil Dead) and Eric's girlfriend Judith (Lancaster, who's
bound to have been in some other stuff but to be honest I can't be
arsed checking).
Anyway, it seems that Roy spent most of his nights here watching one
stripper in particular and Eric is determined to find out why.
Or at the very least get to crack one off in a private booth.
Entering the club and taking a stage-side seat, Eric uses his not
inconsiderable charm in an attempt to pump the barkeep for information
concerning his missing bro'. All he gets tho' is "Your bruvva pure fancies the next stripper by the way....oh and it's four quid for the Babycham".
So, who is this mysterious beauty that every man seems to fall madly in love with at first sight?
Enter the illustrious Alliana (the seductively cat-like New) a spooky
blonde nymph whose hypnotic moves soon turn Roy's legs to jelly.
After sitting thru' the entire rosta of acts (including a magician and
chicken shaver) Eric sneakily follows Alliana out to her car only to be
accosted by an evil gangster type, Jeff Badman who also has a big girly
crush on our stripping pal.
Which isn't too surprising seeing as she appears to be the cleanest member of the cast.
Feeling particularly manly and after delivering a swift kick to Eric's nuts Jeff attempts to force himself on Alliana only to have her snarl like a wolf and put her fist thru' his head.
Eric, shocked and maybe a wee bit aroused by this grabs the women folk
and runs back to his car, following Alliana back to an old, crumbling
asylum on the outskirts of town.
Unfortunately for the film makers the town is in Romania where this was shot not Hollywood as we're meant to believe.
Mary Ann kindly fills them (and us) in with the history of the place,
from the mad mentalists that stayed there to the rumours of satanic
parties held in the cellar.
Which is nice.
Having served her purpose as Ms. exposition, Mary Ann is promptly
grabbed by a big hairy, cat faced man-beast before being dragged kicking
and screaming into the darkness.
Rum, sodomy and the lash. |
Meanwhile back at the plot Alliana has taken delivery of the gangsters body to one Dr. Moreau (the homeless yet still leathery of balls Sean Connery lookalike and recovering alcoholic Witkin from Showgirls), who ably assisted by his two favourite 'manimals' the aforementioned kitty masked Peewee (Smith) and a whiny voiced dwarf in a pig costume named Gallagher (Badalamenti II: Electric Boogaloo - but no Simon McCorkindale alas) are on the lookout for spare body parts to help accelerate the transition of his genetically altered manimals to full human status.
As one does.
Unfortunately for all involved, Jeff Badman had a shocking dose of the
clap when he died rendering his organs useless so it's a good thing that
Alliana's been followed by the hunky Eric and co. isn't it?
I mean, there's no way they'd have any STD's and the like.
Well, except Jessica Lancaster obviously, I felt unclean just looking at her if I'm honest.
In between all this furry back biting and faintly embarrassing animal
acting it transpires that poor old Moreau’s not actually in charge of
this so called house of pain and it's the manimals (all three of them)
that are pulling the strings, each with their own convoluted agenda.
Firstly Alliana, who it turns out is actually a humanised leopard, wants
a young studly mate, Peewee (half mountain lion, half carpet) wants to
break stuff and cheeky little Gallagher is constantly horny and just
wants somewhere to put his teeny tiny cock.
If that wasn't enough to keep you interested there's also a shady
Chinaman named Pak Mon (Aum) drunkenly stumbling around the asylum
whilst carrying a big stick in one hand and a huge oven chip on his
shoulder.
You see, he was once Moreau’s assistant back in the 'Island of' days
when Moreau (for a laugh obviously) experimented on Pak's young daughter
Gorgona (Ushijima, bless you), leaving her stuck with half a fish-face
and a mouldy oven glove for a hand.
Back in the basement (and seemingly unconcerned by Mary Ann's
disappearance) Eric and Judith continue to wander around aimlessly
until they're captured by a still horny Gallagher and an incredibly
frustrated Peewee; it seems he accidentally crushed Mary Ann's ribcage
whilst trying to unbutton her blouse, meaning the poor lovelorn sod has
taken to sulkily carrying her bloodied corpse around on his shoulder
whimpering like a small girl.
Realising that there haven't been any gratuitous tit shots for about
twenty minutes, Alliana takes Eric back to her boudoir for a bout of
sweaty naked cat sex, which comes across about as erotically as watching
your Gran shagging one of your school chums.
All I could think of was how much Alliana looked as if she could do with a hug.
Oh, and how I'd never tire of kicking Eric in the face.
I'm sorry, it's been one of those days.
Whilst Eric heads back to his cage and Alliana lies purring whilst
wriggling around in the damp patch Pak and Moreau are enjoying their
weekly debate about the ethics of biosynthesis (or some other bollocks
leaving that wee tinker Gallagher attempting to woo Judith with a bowl
of soup and an offer of an escape route.
All she has to do is stand in the corner and do a little striptease
whilst the pig-faced one enjoys a crafty Barclays and she's home free.
Judith, after much deliberation accepts his offer and slowly shows her big black pants.
Admit it, you've done much worse when you've not had your taxi fair, I know I have.
Her leopard super sense tingling added to the noticeable waft of damp
yeast eminating from Judith's cage sends Alliana into a shag frenzy
(what? again?) and, stopping only to dress up as a Christmas tree
she chases after Eric for (sloppy) seconds leaving poor Judith,
stripped to her suspender belt and with her newly paid for breasts
hanging limply like rocks in a rucksack at the mercy of Gallagher.
It seems that our porcine pal has changed the deal and is already
tearing at his trousers with his stinky trotters in anticipation of this
little piggy squealing all the way home....
And if this indignity wasn't enough for poor Judith, it appears that Pak
has persuaded Moreau (by hitting him repeatedly over the head with a
wine bottle) to use her body to repair the damage done to his daughter.
But alas not get rid of the smell of fishpaste that follows her around.
Will Eric have enough energy left to rescue Judith?
Will we actually get to see the oft promised girl on pig action rather than it keep cutting back to two old men arguing?
I'm not telling, I mean I sat thru' the whole fucking travesty so you can too.
Ah Charles Band, boyhood hero to any self respecting cult film fan growing up in the eighties. Amongst the many classics he brought us were lo-budget gems like Trancers, Robot Jocks and Laserblast (my first CB movie, show way back in '78 as a double bill with The Muppet Movie) and his production company gave us From Beyond and Re-Animator to name just a few.
Which makes it all the more tragic that he's been reduced to churning out hideously average shite like this.
An unofficial (you're kidding me) sequel to the HG Wells classic novel
with a budget that can only stretch to three Halloween masks and one
actual actor in the cast, House of Pain is hellishly performed by it's
minuscule cast of never-beens and wannadies, horribly lit in bright
primary colours (imagine a hyper-active child remaking Suspiria and
you're a third of the way there) with actors so uniformly unattractive
that you begin to start fancying the poor sod in the fish mask by the
movies end, just because the quick glimpse you get of her right breast
shows that it's the only non-augmented, natural thing in the film.
Fuck, even the brick lined cellar is plastic.
But (and there's always a big but - just not on any of the emaciated
cast) it turns into a wee bit of a car crash, you just can't turn
away or turn off.
Or maybe that was just the amount of cheap sherry I'd necked previously.
I'm just glad it's over if I'm honest.
Tomorrow, something decent.
Posted by Ashton Lamont at 8:00 AM 0 comments
Labels: 31 days of horror, action, alcohol, fight, film, homemade, reviews, the horror, zombies