beastmaster.

At a loose end right now as I've finished up all the Frightfest art and don't fancy drawing anything non-horror related till after the event so I'm filling my time with a few good movies.

And this one obviously.*

Nightbeast (1982).

Dir: Don Dohler (with a few scenes by Dave Geatty).

Cast: Tom Griffith, Jamie Zemarel, Karin Kardian, George Stover, Don Leifert, Anne Frith, Eleanor Herman, Richard Dyszel, Greg Dohler, Kim Dohler, Monica Neff, Glenn Barnes, Richard Ruxton, Bump Roberts, Don Dohler, David W. Donoho, Richard Geiwitz, Larry Reichman, Christopher Gummer, Dace Parson and
Richard Nelson.

"Don't call me Bertie!"

Space - the final frontier.

Well it would be if the final frontier were a collection of painted ping-pong balls attached to an old black sheet intercut with slightly out of focus footage from some old NASA videos but beggars can't be choosers which is probably why the 'spaceship' we see hurtling thru' this crap cosmos bears an unsettling resemblance to a Dinky truck sans wheels and painted silver.

Unfortunately the pilot of said craft is way too interested in the surrounding planets to notice the large baked potato hurtling toward him and in a flash of fireworks and kiddies sparklers the spaceship ends up irreparably damaged and  crashing to earth.

To the small town of Perry Hall in Baltimore to be precise.

Think Dudley but with (slightly) better teeth.

The (crash) landing is observed by a group of good ol' boy hunters in the woods who quickly notify the local sheriff, Jack 'The Hat' Cinder (Griffith reprising his role from The Alien Factor) before heading to the wreckage to investigate themselves.

It'll come as no surprise tho' when I tell you that as soon as they approach, a silver jump suited, big toothed beast jumps out and disintegrates them before heading off into the woods to wreak havoc among the locals - killing a couple in their home before murdering a guy (Uncle Dave - a pitch perfect performance from David W. Donoho) whose only crime is having a piss against a tree whilst driving his niece and nephew home.

Obviously the beast kills the kids too but to be honest I was more upset about Dave.

What's that circling Uranus? (sorry).

Realising a scary alien beast is loose in the town (to be fair he has previous) Cinder rounds up a posse - including his 'sexy' blonde deputy Lisa (Kardian - one time hairdresser to Dohler's Auntie, I kid you not) - to go look for it whilst the erstwhile wannabe deputy Jamie (Zemarel, most famous for his role as a bailiff in As The World Turns) heads out to check on his exotic 'lady friend' Suzie (Neff), who is trapped in an abusive relationship with local biker bad boy Drago (Dohler regular Leifert).

And so with everything - and (almost) everyone in place Cinder heads out to a local farmhouse where the creature was last sighted only for most of his trigger happy pals to be zapped into oblivion forcing Cinder to retreat back to the police station and ask local science type Dr Ruth Sherman (producer and actress Frith) and her assistant/son/secret lover and part-time coroner Steven (the legend that is Stover) for help.

Unfortunately Steven reckons they're fucked so Cinder begrudgingly orders the town be evacuated but not before asking local sharpshooter Jimmy Perkins (director Dohler obviously not wanting to miss out on all the fun) and his dad Bill (the brilliantly monikered Bump Roberts) to have one last shot (literally) at killing the creature.

Neff: 'exotic'.

More gun-fun ensues culminating with Jimmy actually managing to hit - and destroy - the creatures disintegration gun, disarming the beast just before he himself is killed.

And with that the creature turns tail and runs into the woods.

 

MONSTA!

 

With the remaining members of the police department - and the postman - beginning the evacuation of the town, Cinder is doing his best to persuade  the local mayor, Bert Wicker (the Internets first horror host, Count Gore De Vol himself, Dyszel) and his vapid assistant Mary Jane (Herman, latter day New York Times bestselling author of Sex with Kings, Sex with the Queen) to cancel a party he's holding for the visiting governor Lenny Embry (Ruxton) that's planned to be held that very evening but the pissed up pair are having none of it and quickly send the sheriff on his way.

 

Paddington.

 

Meanwhile, and with no concern about the scary alien stalking the town, Drago has decided to go and sort out his relationship with Suzie but in a fit of jealous rage inadvertently strangles her before riding off on his BMX with Jamie in hot pursuit.

He soon catches up with him tho' (well he is riding a Grifter) and proceeds to beat the shit out of him, leaving Drago unconscious and covered in mud, sweat and egg before heading back to the sheriff's office to see if anyone else is in need of a fucking good beating.

 

"Laugh now!"

 
Anyway, back at the alien-based plot we find Steven and Ruth busying themselves trying to find a way to kill the beast using any information they've gathered, which seems to be that he likes going to discos (his outfit suggests this), he's a shit driver (hence the crash) and judging by his teeth must be British which in all honesty doesn't give them much to work on but does give the creature a reason to attack their office where, after hiding in the basement Steven electrocutes the beast with some dodgy electrical wires causing it to flee the building whilst screaming like a Democrat on election night.

Too soon?

Back in the woods Cinder and Lisa have come across (not in that way, you've got a mind like a sewer) a mutilated body but whilst checking it for ID (and loose change) the creature stumbles out of the trees and tries to eat them.

Luckily the pair manage to escape but not before Cinder suffers some nasty chafing on his inner thigh.

Luckily Lisa is also a first aider so takes him to her house to patch him up and also have 'the sex'. 

Easy tiger.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

Back at Mayor Wicker's house the party is in full swing, much to Jamie's chagrin, you see he's decided that if he's upset then no-one else should be having a good time either so after scoffing 14 scotch eggs he forces out a terrible fart then proceeds to tell everyone there's a poison gas leak from the nearby mine causing everyone to flee in panic. 

And in some cases flee in cars.

Wicker and Mary Jane, upset with how the evening has turned out, stay behind tho' (well it is his house) and decided to get drunk instead.

Which is fair enough I guess.

And with that Jamie heads back to the sheriff's office to see who else he can annoy.

"Can you smell petrol?"

Finding out that Jamie has left Wicker and Mary Jane home alone (and hoping for a furtive glimpse of lady garden, probably) Steven decides to go and bring them to the - relative - safety of the sheriff's office,  unfortunately the beast has beaten him to it, first bludgeoning Mary Jane to death in the basement before beheading Wicker in the pantry.

Which is nice.

It's almost the climax so needing all the surviving characters to be together, Cinder and Lisa soon arrive followed by Ruth and Jamie who suggests electrocuting the creature using the high-voltage cables from the nearby power plant, a plan that Steven, remembering his electrical-based shenanigans from earlier agrees with.

And with that they all drive out to the power plant to begin running the cables to Wickers house.

And maybe have a picnic. 

Still no idea why they just didn't lure it to the actual power station and kill it there tho' and save them the effort.

Unfortunately Drago is already there and hiding in the portaloo ready to pounce.

And pounce he does, first slapping Ruth and then kicking Cinder on his sore leg.

The rotter.

Luckily for our hero tho' Jamie turns up in the nick of time and shoots Drago dead.

 

Dave Grohl: tunnel or funnel?

Quickly returning to Wicker's house our heroes begin setting the trap but the creature is lying in wait....

Will they succeed in beating the beast? 

Did I mean that to sound so rude?

Will Cinder and Lisa's relationship work out?

Will there ever be another director as great as Don Dohler?

From Don Dohler, director of some of the greatest lo-fi sci-fi horror yarns ever made comes this semi-sequel to his 1978 hit The Alien Factor, featuring as it does much of the same cast (with a few returning characters thrown in), much of the same plot and luckily enough much of the same joy and absolute love of films and film-making that we came to expect from from the great man's work.

Seriously, what it lacks in polish, acting talent or budget (seriously it only cost $14,000 to make and most of that went on bottles of Just For Men, tho' they ran out when they got to Tom Griffith) it more than makes up for with sheer, unadulterated fun and charm.

Plus it gave good old Star Wars botherer J.J. Abrams his big break (and first onscreen credit) in movies for his fart-tastic synth score for which we can all be grateful.

Possibly.

I mean we wouldn't have The Rise of Skywalker without this.

And, bizarrely enough it ended up being classified as a "Section 3" Video Nasty in the UK  for some unknown reason (maybe Tom Griffith's buttocks were too sexy for British audiences?) meaning that although never prosecuted, it was a real pain in the arse to actually watch this as a kid.

Which quite honestly was probably a good thing as I really can't imagine serious 12 year old film fan me (I have previous) being able to actually appreciate the genuine love Dohler and co. had not just for film-making but the horror genre in general.

Plus any movie featuring George Stover is guaranteed to be at least 75% more enjoyable than one without him.

And to think, at this point in his career Dohler was happy just producing, handing the directorial reigns over to Dave Geatty (famous for his portrayal of 'man in bar' in The Alien Factor), luckily for the viewer Geatty had no idea what he was doing and after spending half the budget on a tracking shot that ended up being out of focus Dohler stepped in, giving us what is probably his greatest movie and the greatest scene featuring a flabby, pale man-ass ever committed to celluloid.

I'm looking at you Tom Griffith.

And to think he actually insisted on doing a nude sex scene, even going as far as asking (begging?) Karin Kardian to do it with him.

Surprisingly she agreed tho' I don't know if we should be thankful or not.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Ready Brek.

 

Perfect Friday night fodder and the kind of movie this blog was made for....if you're not a fan of Dohler's work then be warned, you will be after this.

*Only joking it's fucking fantastic.

operazione paura - frightfest edition.

Traveling up to Glasgow for FrightFest over the next few days? 

 

Then enjoy this mix of deep red disco, sinister samples and bizarro beats to help your journey into darkness...

 

 

happy twin peaks day.

 

dino-sore.

In anticipation of the 'new' Jurassic Park film heading our way in July I present a look back at probably THE best old man vs dinosaur film ever made.

"I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse!"

 

Enjoy.

The Last Dinosaur (1977).

Dir: Alexander Grasshoff and Tsugunobu Kotani

Cast: Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Luther Rackley, Masumi Sekiya, William Ross, Carl Hansen, Tetsu Nakamura, Nancy Magsig, Don Maloney, Vanessa Cristina, Hyoe Enoki, Shunsuke Kariya, Toru Kawai and Tatsumi Nikamoto.

 

"You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!"

 

Welcome to the world of Masten Thrust jr. (Ex-Michael Elphick starring teevee show and American screen stalwart Boone) - the mighty man-tittied and gin soaked multimillionaire owner of the amusingly monikered Thrust Inc. who, when not using a manned laser drill to search for oil under the polar ice caps, is busy inappropriately touching (much) younger women and shooting wild animals in the face. 

Imagine, if you will, an animatronic melting meat sculpture of Tony Stark powered by piss and gin with the libido and pulling power of Donald Trump and you're halfway there.

We first come across our man-breasted hero as he's attempting to seduce a (much) younger girl in his (animal) corpse filled apartment, luckily this sexual harassment case waiting to happen is interrupted by a phone call from Thrust's office. It seems that his companies latest expedition accidentally ended up in an underground 'lost world' where all the crew save one were eaten by a dinosaur.  

No, really.

And with that Masten jets off to Japan (well it is co-produced with Tokusatsu) to find out the full story.

Holding a press conference with the aforementioned team survivor, geologist Chuck Wade (Tombstone toothed Keats from Death Wish and Silent Rage), Masten  announces that he's leading a second expedition himself in order to study (but not kill, oh no) the dinosaur (now discovered to be the last Tyrannosaurus Rex in existence, tho' how they know that I'm not sure) in its natural habitat alongside Chuck, a Masai tracker named Bunta (American professional basketball 'star' Rackley), eminent dinosaur expert Dr. Kawamoto (actor and singer Nakamura from the classic Space Amoeba) and the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Frankie Banks (Dallas' Valene Ewing herself and the voice of Spider-Woman in the 1979 animated series, Van Ark).

Masten is initially skeptical about Banks joining the expedition because she's a woman but she soon convinces him of her suitability thru' a mix of showing him her photography work taken in various war zones and stripping naked at a party before taking him back to her hotel room and licking his pock-marked face.

Because feminism obviously.

And with that they're on their way!

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As our intrepid team approach the Polar Borer (cunningly played by something you'd find in your mums 'secret' drawer), the first thing we notice is how fucking small the 'full size' prop is. Seriously it's like two garden bins stuck together and sprayed silver, I mean you'd be hard pushed to fit Richard Boone's gut in it let alone the rest of the cast. Tho' this may be a cunning way of making the rest of the special effects and props look really good, I mean if you can take this seriously then you'll have no problem when the massive cardboard Pteranodon appears wobbling against a painted backdrop when our crew come ashore in cave-land.

Tho' to be fair it might just be that the whole thing is fucking threadbare.

Anyway, once they do actually come ashore - and after being almost trampled to death by a passing Uintatherium, Masten orders Dr. Kawamoto to set up camp, whilst he, Chuck, Bunta and Frankie head into the woods to find the pesky Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

And maybe a kebab shop.

Or even an off-licence.

Luckily with this being a fairly short film it's not long before the magnificent beast reveals itself to one and all, stomping thru the trees as it chases Frankie in an attempt to eat her whole.

Tho' I've heard it usually spits that bit out.

I thank you.

As an aside I really think it's important to point out that it's not any old fucker with an Equity card playing the Tyrannosaurus Rex tho', oh no, it is in fact the mighty Toru Kawai - famed Japanese stunt man and actor best known for playing Godzilla in Terror of Mechagodzilla as well as doubling for Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Taro and Ultraman Leo and also playing Gamera - which is the equivalent of royalty on this blog.

Nuff said.

"I 'squeeze your head!"

Masten excitedly pulls out his massive weapon with the aim of emptying it's hot content into the dinosaurs mouth (OK he pulls out a rifle in an attempt to shoot it in the face) but the beast keeps moving, causing the gun to jam and Masten to get all huffy and throw it at away before stomping off and hiding in some bushes, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

Little do they realize tho' that they are being followed by a tribe of comedy toothed, black up Japanese extras pretending to be neanderthals who are, in turn being followed by a kleptomaniac cave woman with very dirty feet (Sekiya best know for Special Investigation Unit and the manga adaptation Nippon bijo monogatari: onna no naka no onna) who is busy stealing everything the explorers discard.

Not including their dignity obviously.

"Boiled onions!"

 

Whilst all this decidedly non-PC raceplay is going on the Tyrannosaurus Rex has made it's way to the camp where it's come across Dr Kawamoto cooking up a huge pot of bangers and mash for dinner.

Not too surprisingly the beast kills Kawamoto before scoffing the food, smashing up the camp and finally picking up the Polar Borer in its mouth and carrying it off to its bone-filled lair where for absolutely no reason, a Triceratops bursts out of a wall and fights him.

To be fair tho' this scene is utter genius and not just for the fact that the front end of the Triceratops is played by Tatsumi Nikamoto, who also did stunt work on Ultraman Leo and Ultra Seven plus played Titanosaurus in Terror of Mechagodzilla.

No idea who played the back end tho'.

As the battle rages 'tween these two titans of terror, the Triceratops draws first blood but is soon countered with a kick to the head from our Tyrannosaurus pal in a fight that is as long as it is bloody (and bloody ludicrous).

I could wax lyrical for hours about this battle but frankly I can't be arsed so I wont, suffice to say that the Tyrannosaurus eventually wins by stomping on the Triceratops' face before heading off for a nap.

 

"Laugh Now!"

 

Whilst all this top quality action is going down our merry band have returned to the base camp to find it utterly trashed and the Polar Borer missing which causes Masten to storm off in a bigger rage than ever, vowing to kill the beast as he heads off to find a cave to live in.

No really.

Jump forward 4 months and the whole group are eking out a meager existence hunting rabbits whilst Frankie plays den-mother to everyone (in between flirting with Masten and Chuck that is).

But it's not all happy families and furtive shags tho' as the cavemen are becoming braver and start coming ever closer to our merry bands hideout.

And they've now started carrying pointy sticks.

Chuck suggests that they should form an alliance with the natives but Masten violently disagrees, constructing a makeshift crossbow in order to kill their leader and scare the rest of them away.

Bizarrely this not only succeeds in scaring them away but to also attract the thieving cave girl to our heroes cave where she attempts to return all the shit she's stolen/found over the last few months including the telescopic sight from Masten's rifle.

This has the effect of making him letch over her instead of Frankie (for a change) and giving her the name 'Hazel' due to the nutty smell emanating from her arsehole.

Frankie isn't too bother by this turn of events tho' (she's probably glad of a break from being prodded by Masten's big bloated sausage fingers) as she now has someone to help her wash her hair and prepare dinner for the men.

And no I'm not making this shit up.

 

Tunnel or funnel?

 And it's during one of these girly hair washing sessions 'tween Frankie and Hazel that the Tyrannosaurus reappears ready to strike. Frankie takes refuge in nearby cave whilst Hazel legs it into the bushes leaving Bunta and Chuck to fashion a rope made from Masten's wiry pubes (OK from local shrubbery) that they tie around a big boulder before Bunta lassos the other end around the dinosaurs tail and finally rolling the boulder done a hill giggling to themselves as the poor beast rolls after it, coming to a violent halt in a pond and banging its head.

This only manages to make Masten even more angry than usual and - after slapping Hazel (she loves it!) he starts collecting (well, orders Buntato start collecting) loads of wood in order to build a giant catapult to kill the beast with.

"Monsta!"

Will Masten's frankly bonkers plan succeed?

Will Chuck find the Polar Borer and attempt to persuade Frankie to leave with him?

Will it turn out that the films title actually refers to Masten rather than the Tyrannosaurus Rex (because technically it's not the last dinosaurs as there are loads of others wandering about but also because it's not a literal title)?

And does anyone actually care?

From the fevered mind of  cartoonist, writer, artist and letterer William Overgard (best known for his sterling inks of the American adventure comic strip Steve Roper and Mike Nomad between 1954 and 1985) comes this testosterone tinged tale of big beasts, bigger egos and baggy dinosaur suits that feels as out of time as the dinosaurs on screen.

Originally pitched to ABC as a movie of the week as a standard "great white hunter goes back in time to kill a dinosaur" actioner, it was rejected in favour of a rock musical remake of King Kong (which luckily never happened) before being dragged back to the pitch meeting and retooled as a full blown theatrical release.

Unfortunately the company he took it to was the stop-motion/seasonal fayre film purveyors Rankin/Bass Productions (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), The Little Drummer Boy (1968), and Frosty the Snowman (1969) among other classics) who although fantastic when it came to animation - Mad Monster Party is one of my all time faves) weren't really well known (if at all) for their gritty action output.

Luckily they had links with Japan due to them outsourcing many of their 'Animagic' animated productions which were headed up by Japanese stop-motion animator Tadahito Mochinaga at his studio, MOM Productions so it was only a matter of time before those masters of monster mayhem Tsuburaya Productions (founded by special effects God Eiji (Ultraman and Godzilla) Tsuburaya in 1963) became involved with the job of bringing the terrifying dinosaurs to life.

"Chase me now!"

Unfortunately the dollar to yen exchange rate at the time must have been really low as the effects on show aren't up to the studios usual standards.

And yes I'm being kind.

But effects aren't everything (ask Doctor Who)* and film usually lives or dies by the performances on screen.

It's a pity then that The Last Dinosaur has a massive, gin-soaked angry misogynist with really crap hair at its heart.

Drunkenly stumbling 'tween leching over women young enough to be his (grand) daughter and either shouting at them or slapping them before obviously sobering up enough to apologize, Richard Boone's performance is at once hysterical and terrifying whilst everyone else on screen just wanders around looking uncomfortable.

Especially the myriad of women that are forced to pretend to fall for his ample charms.

 Seriously, Masumi Sekiya looks like a deer caught in headlights when she has to lay down next to him and to be honest I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaur, at least its fingers would be small enough to gently unfasten my bra** and not leave greasy bruises on my shoulders.

Or bite marks.

True Joan Van Ark tries to bring a wee bit of gravitas to the proceedings but the writers are unsure if she's meant to be a hardened news photographer ala Elizabeth ‘Lee’ Miller or a simpering girl unable to cope without shampoo or make-up whilst Steven Keats just stands about complaining or being shouted at.

I'd say that Luther Rackley comes out best seeing as he has absolutely no dialogue but looking back he is forced to wear tiny shorts and shake a spear a lot so I reckon he deserves our pity too and I'm not going to mention the state of the blacked up, comedy toothed cavemen for fear of cancellation.

Only I just did.

Damn it. 

 

Hat.

 

 I was going to say something about the direction but all I can think of is that even Academy Award-nominated directors like Alex Grasshoff can have an off-day.

Seriously his Kolchak episodes are top notch as is Backwards: The Riddle Of Dyslexia, a film he directed for the American television anthology series ABC Afterschool Special in 1984 starring River and Joaquin Phoenix.

See? 

This blog is educational too.

Luckily Tsugunobu Kotani is on hand to film the monster bits, which he does by nonchalantly pointing the camera at them and hoping they're in focus, which to be fair they sometimes are.

So does the movie actually have anything remotely going for it?

Well the title song "He's the Last Dinosaur", arranged and conducted by Bernard Hoffer and with spot on lyrics by Jules Bass (seriously amazing song writing career for Rankin/Bass, check him out) is a banger and Grammy Award winner Nancy Wilson's vocals are top notch so it's worth watching just for that.

They - and us - deserved a better film.

Good day to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*By that I mean classic Doctor Who obviously, if you ask new Who anything you'll probably get a joyless lecture on 'proper' pronoun use in relation to the Monoids before being told the show was never made for you in the first place and finally angrily getting called a Nazi (or something) for then doing what you were told and not watching.

Probably.

 

 

No.

**Obviously it's a metaphorical bra as I don't wear one.

film-tastic.

Counting down to Valentine's Day with eleven incredible movie facts:

Did you know that the shark in Jaws is not actually real?

Rin Tin Tin wasn't actually made out of tin. It was a copper alloy.

The Lego Movie was entirely computer generated, Lego cannot move on it's own.

No stars have ever been at war.

Jack was intended to survive at the end of Titanic, where he and Rose would go on to live full lives and start a business that would later become IKEA, just like in real life. However, Dicaprio became bored by filming the floating door scene, and allowed himself to drown for real. All scenes still to shoot requiring Dicaprio were later filmed with a mix of CGI and Timothy Olyphant acting as a stand-in.

Sandra Bullock isn't actually a bullock.

Or a Sandra.

Anime is named after Annie Mae Bullock, better known as Tina Turner who actually opened the first animation studio in Japan in 1954.

The Iron Giant is loosely based on Daniel Craig's childhood, in which he grew up in a scrapyard and ate cars.

The tiger in Winnie the Pooh wasn't real...

but the bear was...Sort of...

They had to put a panda in a suit since the grizzly originally cast kept mauling the rest of the actors.

 

 

 

 

rave from the grave.

 Celebrating the birthday of the king of the undead - George A Romero with this creepy cacophony of corpse based floor fillers.... 

Stay scared!

 

more mooncup.

After rewatching the frankly fantastic The Man From Planet X recently I immediately (well almost immediately, I had a wee first) went online to see if there had ever been a sequel or the like and to find out who owns the rights because let's be honest it deserves a remake.

In a bizarre bit of (fearful) symmetry - seeing as it was rediscovering my Robot Monster strip that made me watch it - I discovered that Fawcett Publications actually produced a comic adaptation of the movie in 1952 (which actually ain't too shady).

Not only that tho' but after even more digging I found that way back in 1975 top scribe Hunter Adams (AKA Jack Lancer, AKA Jim Lawrence) penned a three book series chronicling the further adventures of The Man From Planet X.

Excitedly I scurried to Ebay to find the books and after a few weeks (and a large part of the kids college fund) they arrived at Unwell Towers.

So imagine my surprise upon reading them when I realised that they had absolutely fuck all to do with the film but were actually a series of sexy stories about some bloke named Peter Lance,  who although looking human was in fact an alien from the planet Tharb named Pritan Lansol, sent to Earth to study our customs and learn more about us before his race finally announce their presence.

Obviously being aliens they have absolutely no concept of sex so to discover more about it the alien leader, Dr. Kraag, sends Lansol to Earth to look into it.

Obviously this involves him bedding as many beautiful women as possible and all in the name of science.


Sounds legit.

Invariably he ends up involved in spy rings, human trafficking and the like  forcing him to  use his amazing physical prowess, telepathic abilities, and alien technology to defeat the bad guys and save the damsel.

Before having some more of 'the sex' with them obviously.

And whilst this may seem a tiring proposition to us mere mortals, it turns out that the planet Tharb is actually the size of  Jupiter (tho' not alas Uranus) with a similarly immense gravity meaning that the muscles of its people are tremendous compared to Earthlings.

Obviously this means that Lance is able to 'perform' for hours and hours.

If all this wasn't manly enough Lance also freelances for the CIA on a part-time basis, investigating such mysteries as:

The She-Beast.

An exciting sexcapade involving an old hag who needs an experimental drug called Novitol in order to continue to look young and beautiful, therefore being able to continue having sex.
 
Unfortunately the company that manufactured it has just been bought by a rich industrialist who wants to cease its production so the old hag attempts to kill him.

Luckily Lance is shagging the guys daughter so steps in to help.





Tiger By The Tail.

When Lance rescues a beautiful young (nude) woman from a tiger attack - as you do - he finds himself in the middle of an attempt by a cabal of bad men trying to acquire a secret weapon known as C.O.D. AKA Crack of Doom.

The Devil To Play.

A rash of muggings and rapes in Manhattan can be connected (as is usually the way) to a group of Satanic worshipers who intend on controlling the oil industry by kidnapping a woman who has created a synthetic oil formula.

Unfortunately, on account of them being utter shite, Lawrence (who for years scripted the James Bond newspaper strip, eventually creating more adventures than any other writer including Ian Fleming) called it a day after book 3 and returned to writing Tom Swift Jr. (as Victor Appleton II) and The Hardy Boys Adventures (as Franklin Dixon) before going on to co-create two highly complex adventure games for the Infocom series in the 80s.

Shit! That means this computer is made entirely out of your dad's arse!

 

As an aside, all this talk of the 80s got me thinking, does anyone else remember/care that the 1962 classic Creation of The Humanoids was bizarrely feature on the inside sleeve of the Bronski Beat album Age of Consent?

This was quite possibly due as much to it being Andy Warhol's favourite SciFi movie as well as it's plot regarding forbidden love and the like.

Caught up with it again recently and surprisingly it still stands up well.

Tho' that's probably because all the sets are really thick cardboard.

Creation of The Humanoids (1962)
Dir: Wesley Barry.
Cast: Don Megowan, Erica Elliot, Frances McCann, Don Doolittle, George Milan, Dudley Manlove and David Cross.

Was She One Of The Green-Blooded People?

The place: A future Earth.

The time: Just after lunch where a nasty (let's be honest,is there any other kind?) nuclear war has resulted in the total extermination of 92% of the human race and left the remaining survivors riddled with radiation poisoning, scabs and bad teeth meaning the prospect for humanity surviving via the medium of having 'the sex' looking very grim.

To keep civilization ticking over smoothly, the remaining humans go into overdrive building over a billion robots to handle all the everyday jobs (bin men, STV voiceover announcers, working in the off licences, saying "In a world...." at the start of trailers etc.) and over the years these automatons have been constructed to emulate humans more and more, eventually becoming sentient and possibly even more human than their human 'masters'.

As is usual in situations like this, a nasty group of bad men (somewhat kinkily) named the “Order of Flesh and Blood” push for a ban on these human looking machines (know bizarrely as 'clickers') insisting that any new robots must be bald, blue and dressed in boiler suits left over from Brian Tilsley's garage.

Which is fair enough I guess.

The situation goes from bad to worse tho' when one such clicker goes a wee bit mental, killing his creator Dr. Mike Raven (Doolittle, best know for his sterling performance as a DA in a 1971 episode of Hawaii Five -O) to death.

Robot hater, founder member of the Order and all round rugged tough guy Kenneth Cragis (Blazing Saddles gum chewer himself, Megowan) suggests a solution to the problem.

Kill all the clickers.

Kill them a lot.

Which is nice.

"I love you....could it be magic?"

The rest of the group think this may be a wee bit extreme and start to distance themselves from 'crazy' Cragis, who decides to go visit his sister Esme (McCann from fuck all else) for a few days of bitching and badness.


Unfortunately upon arriving at her house our racist rebel-rouser is surprised - and oh-so slightly annoyed - to find that Esme has become 'involved' in the state of 'rapport' with a robot named Pax (The Magic Swords Sir Pedro of Spain himself, Cross).

And what, you may ask, is 'Rapport'?

Well 'Rapport' occurs when a robot and a human begin to share the same mindset and the humans every desire is instantly understood by the robot partner and immediately fulfilled.

Which if I'm honest isn't as rude as it sounds really.

Sorry.

Shocked and upset Cragis storms off to his fantastic plastic bachelor pad for a tearful wank and a pot noodle.

Probably.

Hanson have let themselves go.

Even this small solace is interrupted tho' when the beautiful (and very 60s breasted) Maxine Megan (Elliott from, um, Peter Gunn) appears out of the blue and falls into his arms.

Hmmmm.

After a whirlwind romance - plus shedloads of cheesy B-grade SciFi dialogue - Cragis and Maxine stumble across a secret that will shake their beliefs to the very core and may explain the terrifying secret of the Creation of The Humanoids...

Looked at from a purely production point of view Creation of The Humanoids is a cheaply made, warehouse bound 'B' flick populated by bald-pated, blue toned men with acting as stilted as the wooden slats pretending to be a futuristic laboratory and talky to a point where you can imagine that writer Jay Simms originally envisaged this as a stage production, the whole threadbare endeavor is topped off by a particularly lurid poster design and not much else.

But look passed all this and you'll find a quirky and intelligent lo-fi movie that's ideas pre-date many of the themes and concepts that would go on to dominate books and movies under the 'cyberpunk' banner more than two decades later.

Yup, it's basically Blade Runner 2049 but with sturdier underwear.

I'd better stop now before someone mistakes this for a real film blog.