Monday, June 30, 2008

i also have a toy of it.

Superman's rocket with realistic 'fisting' action.....and just how excited is that wee boy at the thought of having it tried out on him?


Saturday, June 28, 2008


Doctor Who, The Stolen Earth, the last five minutes.

Does teevee get any better than this?



Friday, June 27, 2008

pigging hell.

More fat bastard porcine based horror from the classic Italian horror 'comic' Terror, this time around slightly edited to fit in with Photobuckets fairly strict censorship policy and possibly badly translated.



Glasgow 1982. Sunny Govan is home of two waring communities of rival football supporters.


Young Rangers fan Senga has other problems, tho': she's married to an old but very rich friend of her dads, but unfortunately for such a sexy lady he's crap in bed. Luckily she can always fake an orgasm and has her footie to keep her happy.


Whilst on a day trip to the Pollock Centre she falls in love with the local butcher, number one Hoops fan and under 21's rising star, John Paul.


The young couple realise how much they have in common (sex, football and meat products) so begin an illicit affair. Over time Senga begins to pile on the pounds due to the copious amounts of beef John Paul has been feeding her.


Then late one night Wee Burnie visits her in a dream, and orders her to start butchering the animals herself.


John Paul protests, jealous at the thought of his missis touching anyone (or anything) else's meat but Senga realises that she can make extra cash for spending on alcopops and cheap market gear so goes ahead and does it anyway.


Her wee sister Morag discovers that Senga is shagging a Catholic and, more importantly not offering her family knock off meat pies is understandably devastated.


Deciding to confront their wayward daughter, they are soon told to 'get ta fuck!' as she threatens them with her pet Pitbulls.


She begins to sell her meat all over the south side and even takes another lover, this time a handsome fella fae Easterhouse. Everything seems rosy until one day she goes mad whilst dressed as a bear kills her neighbour, Mrs. Singh.


Her local community pissed off with her antics (and the fact that she's still signing on whilst working) report her to the procurator fiscal and she's sentenced to 40 years in prison.


Dying soon after her release the local kids celebrate by pissing on her grave.

The end.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

eve of destruction.

Torchwood's gap toothed and groovy Gwen Cooper naked but for a cushion from Glamour Magazine.



Friday, June 20, 2008

busy busy busy.

Not been posting much as I'm (meant to be) working on a rather large art commission...


but to tide you over here's a wee blast from the past, my twin-based film article from the fantastic multiple parenting site


Monday, June 16, 2008

the greatest film never made?

I would pay good money to see this......if only Helen Slater would say yes.


you wear it well.

Fantastic (and scarily accurate) dress up suits of yesteryear.....I had the Spider-Man one, which did you have?




Tuesday, June 10, 2008

fanboy hell (part one).

Here's a wee tip for you, never get your seven year old, wooden handed, blind child to draw your Star Wars tattoo.


Monday, June 9, 2008

get shorty.

Auch Zwerge Haben Klein Angefangen (Even Dwarfs Started Small 1971).

Dir: Werner Herzog.

Cast: Helmut Döring, Paul Glauer, Gisela Hertwig, Hertel Minkner, Gerd Gickel and Pepi Hermine.


In a grimly hostile and starkly lit black and white world populated by dwarfs a group of ker-razy inmates have taken over their asylum in retaliation to the discipline and incarceration of the stoically silent (except for his manic Tarbie like laugh) tough guy Pepe (Gickel).

The institution's director (Hermine), pleading for calm, is holed up in his plush office with Pepe as a hostage as a dozen or so of Pepe's drearily dressed pals try at first to break down the door and free him before getting bored and running riot, smashing stuff, setting (tiny) fires and systematically tormenting any blind people they happen across before committing the totally evil and barbaric act of pushing a truck down a deep hole.

As you would if you were an angry mad little person.

Pepe proudly displays his golden Lego brick.

Every so often the rebels and Hermine shout abuse and threats at each other from afar with Hermine even going so far as threatening to kill Pepe if everyone doesn't return to their cells.

Unfortunately the fact that they're shouting across a vast expanse coupled with the main protagonists tiny ears means that the rebels mishear these rants as an invitation to indulge in comedy food fights, cock fighting (phnarrr) and pig slaughtering competitions followed by frantic masturbation to old porno mags (sadly the last bit is off screen).

After a terrifying scene of crockery based abuse never matched in cinema before or since (they chuck dinner plates at a passing truck) the rascally rebels strap a tiny monkey to a crucifix and set it waddling off towards Hermine's office.

Anti RTD protesters attempt to steal
Peter Davison's celery from his lapel.

Deciding that they need a break from all this wanton destruction our merry band force two of the shortest dwarfs ever seen on screen (a foxy track-suited young Mel C alike and a prune faced old geezer by the name of Hombre - played to pant wetting perfection by Döring) to get married (nice work if you can get it cos she's really not that bad a catch if I'm honest).

At home with Ant and Dec.

After the (genuinely heartwarming) ceremony the 'happy' couple are packed off to the nearest bedroom to consummate the union (it's like a little Big Brother), but unfortunately (for him) Hombre is too little to get up onto the bed (which is good news for us as it means she's still on the market, unsoiled by his wrinkly little hands...hurrah!).

Bored by all these sub-reality Teevee antics, the asylum boss decides to give Pepe a bloody good (off screen) kicking anyway before legging it out of the compound and threatening an old tree.

"...and this is the actual beanstalk
wee Jimmy Krankie fell off!"

The movies final, striking image has never been bettered (to my mind anyway) either artistically or stylistically in the history of cinema, featuring as it does Helmut Döring laughing hysterically as a camel kneels in front of him and has a pooh.

Being used to Silk Cut Lights, Hombre was
justifiably concerned when his friend
offered him a Camel.

Much has been written about Werner Herzog's 1971 Auch Zwerge Haben Klein Angefangen, sometimes even by people who've seen it.

Critics often praise the film for its rich allegorical bent, citing everything from the partition of Germany and the Vietnam war as its underlying central theme, its sparse narrative structure and surrealist improvisational script hailed as cinema transcending into pure art.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Well it's a pity that's all bollocks, because what we really have here is a postmodern industrial version of The Terror of Tiny Town spliced together with the best bits of The Prisoner but minus the songs, horses and Patrick McGoohan shouting loudly in an Irish accent whilst wearing a boating blazer.

And if that's not enough to getting you ordering this masterpiece from Amazon them I don't know what is.

An indispensable film that you MUST own.

Right now.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

when feminism goes bad.

A word of warning to all those ladies that shouted at me regarding my blog.
This could be you.....


looking good with gemser.

Just picked up this lost 'classic', Black Emanuele star (and dirty bag of exotic washing) Laura Gemser's fitness video.

Enjoy these top quality screen grabs!







And to think the kids today have to pleasure themselves over the Natalie (chinny Sonia offa Eastenders) Cassidy one.

Sick isn't it?

clark kent: paparazzi scum.


Friday, June 6, 2008

how to get off with a laydee (part one).

Chat up lines:


Thanks for the tip Prince Namor!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

let's kirk some ass.

Big Jim shows who's boss from an issue of the Gold Key Star Trek comic.


i am me.

Long ago when the universe was less than half it's present size there was a very late Friday night ritual in Unwell towers which involved watching the late lamented Dating Channel and making disparaging comments about the people begging for sex.

Between the amusing Drambue fellow and the scary old Welshman who ran away to London to escape working in the mines was a super suave (his words) 'film director' by the name of Kai Murphy whose intellectual musings (such as repeating "I". for what seemed like an eternity) brought such joy and meaning to our otherwise empty lives.

Well it's been five years but I've finally managed to track this elusive man down and it seems he directed his own Dating Channel segment whilst getting paid to film other peoples the cheeky scamp!

No news on his dream of making 12 different films in 12 different countries (shame on you sir) but he is running his own production company with an amusing name.

You can view his website here and, if you feel that way inclined send him tonnes of email asking why he decided to cancel his (exciting sounding) world wide film project.

Alternatively you can add him on Facebook (he's the first two profiles under Kai Murphy).

the worlds sexiest action figure?

The gorgeous gap-toothed Gwen Cooper.....soon to be available in 5 inches of perfectly formed plastic.

I for one can't wait.


Sunday, June 1, 2008

terror (and uncalled for nudity).


More from Italy's leading sleaze-fest comic 'Terror'. This time round a tale of alien invasion.

And breasts.


Leaving work after a hard days shagging, Morag
decides to call a cab. Everything's OK till she
notices the strange smell, has the driver farted?

If he has it's more than an eggy one
as it begins to melt Morags skin!!

The same thing begins to happen on the underground...
loud farting noises followed by an evil flesh eating gas!

What's causing all this destruction? an evil shape shifting
alien of course and it's discovered that the best way to
attract yummy humans is by pretending
to be various modes of public transport!

But why does the beast vomit out young Senga?
is it because she's from Govan?
No, it's because she's just been raped by a bin man
in a coal cellar and coal dust is deadly to the
ravenous extraterrestrial beast.

So the police use helicopters to sprinkle coal dust over
the monster causing it to die a slow and painful death.

The End.