Wednesday, July 13, 2011

kure kure takura.

Octaman (1971).
Dir: Harry Essex.
Cast: Pier Angeli, Kerwin Matthews, Jeff Morrow, David Essex, some other folk I can't be arsed listing and a big octopus thing.

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Alien or Mutation...Man or Reptile...utter or Shite?
Suave suited yet scarily bewigged do-gooder ecologist Dr. Rick Torres (Kerwin 'Sinbad' Matthews) is busy researching radioactive pollution and stuff in and around the lakes of Mexico, which may sound pretty cool but is, in fact dead boring, you see he's descovered absolutely fuck all during the past six months except how to get rid of the symptoms of cock rot using only a bottle of Jack Daniels and a nail file.
Coming to the end of his studies our heroic doctor is fairly surprised when one morning when his science-type buddy turns up carrying a bucket containing an octopus with 'intelligent eyes'.

No idea what this means, sorry.
The geeky pair decide to spend the morning just staring at the freaky octopus thing lying in it's bucket, laughing as it tries to crawl out to the water then pushing it back in again (as men do) but their fun is curtailed by the arrival of Torres hot, pointy bra-ed girlfriend Susan (comeback queen and all round Italian 'bombshell' Angeli) who promptly suggests they let the nearby university take a look at it.

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"look into my eyes...not around
the eyes but into my eyes..."

Grabbing his jacket and the bucket Torres heads off to the university, leaving his science pal to find something else to poke (not Angeli unfortunately) which luckily for the plot is another, slightly bigger octo-thing that they come across (not literally mind) minding it's own business whilst sunbathing on a rock.

Returning to the lab, Torres geeky pals soon get bored with the old octopus in a bucket game so decide that it'd be much funnier to dissect this one instead.

Unbeknownst to them tho' the terrifying Octoman (or is that Octomum?) is watching ready to take revenge on mankind from the murky waters and into their lab.....


After being greeted at the university with a resounding "Get to fuck that looks shit!" from the principal and having spent his entire grant on whores and paint stripper, Torres turns to his wealthy 'yee-haw!' rancher pal Johnny (Morrow) for the cash to examine the beast further.

Tho' I should point out it's not for Johnny Cash, obviously. Tho' the sight of the man in black battling an eight foot rubber octopus would be something to behold.

Johnny says "Hell yeah!" reckoning that an intelligent looking octopus would make a top rodeo attraction (?) and so they grab a few bottles of cheap brandy and head back to Torres lab.

On their arrival tho' they discover everyone has been slapped to death, the only evidence is the strange love bite like marks over their bodies...

Acquiring a taste for slapping humans, Octaman stumbles around the bushes for a few minutes looking for victims.

Before long he's (it's?) found a couple of guys from the local village who, in an act of drunken stupidity have caught yet another bog eyed octopus thing and popped it in a Tupperware container with thoughts of selling it to the local fish-monger.

Enraged at such a callous act Octaman kicks one of the poor men to death before tossing his companion off.

A cliff.
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"Grrrraaaarrrrrr!" (again).

It's not too long before Torres has figured out that every time someone puts an octopus in a bucket they invariably end up dead, so he decides to see if he can replicate the experiment's results without either the octopus or bucket.

I'd like to point out to anyone else confused that we still have no idea what this 'experiment' actually is, seeing as up till now all him and his mates appear to have done is poke the slimy buggers with a pen whilst wrinkling up their noses.

Octaman has other ideas tho' and after becoming scarily obsessed with happy slapping drunks, smashes thru' the window and delivering a few good back handers (tentaclers?) before grabbing Angeli and legging it off into the bushes.

The swine.
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Angeli: nipples like bullets.

Desperately trying to figure out what interest the Octaman could possibly have in the shapely, breathless Susan (tho' seeing as Angeli died of a massive drugs overdose a few weeks into shooting Octoman could possibly have been after a totally different type of crack), Torres decides it'd probably be best if they just rescued her.

This they do only to have the by now horny Octaman kidnap her again.

And again.

And again.

After the final rescue, terrific Torres reckons it'd be a good idea to make a circle of petrol around Octaman and set light to it, enabling him to "burn up all the oxygen around him!"

Which is nice.

So our heroes lie in wait for our multi-suckered chum to come a calling before hitting him on the head with a spade causing him to promptly faint in am embarrassingly rubberish heap.

Quickly tying the beast up in a fishing net Torres and co. crack open the booze and quickly start celebrating.

Unfortunately they end up drinking so much that Octoman manages to escape by hiding inside a giant cake after disguising himself as a kissagram.

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"Scarper it's the parkie!"

Getting a wee bit fed up with a big rubber monster taking the piss out of them, the gang decide to call it a day and drive back to the nearest town in order to sober up with a few cakes and a round or two of naked ping pong but the pesky Octaman has blocked the road with a tree (it's either a really big tree or a really small road).

Whilst everyone stands about scratching their heads (their own, not each others) friendly gringo Davido (singing star and latterly Eastenders hunk Essex) spots Octaman sniggering at them from behind a bush before getting bored and wobbling off into the distance.

Davido follows him to his spooky cave hide out and decides to fetch the others.

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"Sucky sucky? five dollah?"

Carefully exploring the cave our heroes seem surprised when Octaman pops out from behind a rock to confront them (it's almost as if they'd forgot why they were there in the first place) but  they're saved from his mighty bitch slapping skills by a convenient rock fall.


However when the smoke clears Octaman has gone.

But our heroes are trapped!

Not to worry tho' cos Davido, being the hunky woodsman type and using only his chin, manages to tunnel his way to the surface breaking ground right next to their van (he's that good).

Helping the others out before dusting himself off , Davido runs to the backdoors in order to grab his shovel only for Octoman to jump out and start slapping everyone round the face before (yup, you guessed it) picking up Susan and legging it.



Tho' why he was in the van (was he possibly having a nap?) and how he opened the doors with those huge floppy tentacles is a mystery that's never explained.

Getting wise to all this tentacle touching terror and possibly getting fairly sick of having to pretend to enjoy getting her tits rubbed by a hoover pipe if her expression is anything to go, Susan has sneakily secreted a gun down her pants  and promptly shoots Octaman in the chest.

Catching up with the lovelorn (and junked up) pair the rest of the group join in the orgy of hot lead and hotter passions, stopping only when a bullet riddled Octaman staggers back to the lake to die.

From the man who wrote the screenplay to the greatest monster movie ever (The creature From The Black Lagoon fact fans) comes this Alzheimer's ridden old man misfire of a retread replacing the originals genuinely creepy creature suit, top drawer acting and ominous score with a mong-headed monstrosity resplendent with vacuum cleaner pipes, ping-pong balls and the biggest pair of cock-sucking lips this side of Nick Clegg (co-credited to Rick Baker, poor sod), bizarro stock footage pertaining to be of a Latin American fishing village yet showcasing shots of running cheetahs mixed to a frightening selection of 1960's porno quality library music courtesy of The Post Production Associates whoever or whatever they are.

With dialogue that never rises above the arse-clenchingly banal and read from cue cards by an either stoned or drunk cast of international has-beens and wannadies, Octoman wants to be a mature grown up study of ecological issues, standing at the bar lecturing all and sundry but ends up like some tarted up schoolie on her first night in the pub, drinking cheap sherry till she vomits over the barmaid before getting chucked out and buggered up a dirty condom strewed alley by her dad's best mate.

Fun to watch but you wouldn't want to be her doctor at her emergancy appointment.
Saying all that tho' it was originally made for TeeVee (allegedly) so perhaps we shouldn't asked for too much from it.

And definitely not it's phone number as you're doing up for imaginary zip in that back alley of the mind.

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