Monday, March 11, 2013

chuckle vision*

This should have been posted yonks ago but bastard blogger kept deleting my review.

Do you think they're trying to tell me something?

Apologies in advance for the shoddiness of the review, obviously the lost version was by far superior.

Anyway, third time lucky.....

As a treat for being a good boy recently, Lady Lamont picked up this fantastic value triple pack from our local supermarket for a brand spankingly bargainous £5.

How could this terrifying threesome be anything other than great?

Obviously we had to start with the most monstrously sounding film first.

Bunnyman (AKA The Bunnyman Massacre, 2009).
Dir: Carl Lindberg
Cast: Scott Kuza, David Scott, Alaina Gianci, Lucia Sullivan, Cheryl Texiera, Matthew Stiller, Veronica Wylie and Matthew Phillips.

"Shit, alright, we've learned our lesson!"

Welcome to the arse end of Backwoodsville USA, where a bunch of college buddies are enjoying the long ride to Vegas.

Well that's what it says on the back of the box.

Enjoying the scenery our fairly fucked six-some are surprised when a big truck - first seen in a ropey pre-credits sequence being driven by a man with furry feet - 
appears from nowhere and tries to ram them off the road before revving away.

This continues for about twenty minutes when at that point the director reckons he's wasted enough time to continue with the plot good and proper which means the Duel copying truck driver finally succeeds in forcing the car off the road and into a convenient tree.


Beware: This van is not full of sweets.

Luckily one of the group, Jack (Kuza, like it matters) is a mechanic and is soon on his back fiddling underneath the car.

Which would probably be OK if the terrifying trucker hadn't decided a short while later to ram them again, squashing Jack flat.

A lucky escape for him methinks.

Deciding the best way to escape from the devilish driver is to runaway our surviving pals leg it into the bushes where they soon come across an inbred mentalist (whose house is surrounded by inverted crosses and bags of bones) with a gun fetish and an untempered erection who shouts a lot.

"Gerroff mah lahnd an' gerrin mah mooth ya bashtad!"

Deciding that a forced buggering isn't top of their agenda right now the remaining five make their excuses and leave, deciding that if they walk in a perfectly straight line till nightfall not only will they find help but will ultimately forget all about Jack.

Which they do within about 5 minutes.


Luckily (for us and them) night soon falls meaning that:

A. We don't have to look at their punchable faces as much


B. Everyone knows scary shit happens at night.

Unfortunately in this case it's just two folk, a pube-haired hillbilly and a sexy (in a pram-faced council estate kinda way) woman sitting in a car.

I bet Tobe Hooper is shitting himself right now.

Not due to him being a more talented film-maker more more due to his age obviously.

You know a film's low budget when they can't even afford to give one actress an arse.

Unable to give them a ride to town due to pubey having a really contagious case of rickets, the lady (Brian I think her name was but it's been that long since I watched this I can't be sure) suggests that they go stay in the blood spattered and seemingly abandoned cabin a few miles back and that she'll  come pick them up the next morning.

Sounds legit.

Everyone reckons this is a great idea but being American aren't too used to walking so within five minutes the entire mob of them have fallen asleep under a tree.

Which does give us the opportunity to gaze at the strangely attractive Veronica Wylie as she snoozes, quietly imagining the various different things we could pop between her pretty lips.

Just me then?

Wylie: Muck shot violently over jubblies. More at ten.

 Next morning everyone wakes refreshed except the aforementioned Wylie who keeps complaining that she was kept up all night by the sound of someone chomping loudly on carrots behind a nearby bush and on going to investigate is surprised to see a man in a sub-standard market stall rabbit suit wielding a chainsaw above his head.

Her surprise however is cut short when he violently sticks it in her.

"What the fuck's up doc?"

Realizing that the rabbit is out for blood (and that there is only about 20 minutes left on the running time) our fearful foursome leg it toward the cabin only to discover it's a trap, yup the cabin belongs to Mr. Bunnyman and his family which includes the harsh faced bird, that pubey bloke and a hunchback in a pair of welding goggles.

Tho' I doubt he's qualified. 

Outnumbered, out acted and scarily out witted, our surviving saps are pitted in a battle to the death against the loopiest Leporis since Rabbit Rampage was released on the SNES back in 1994.

Who will survive?

And what will be left of their careers?

Who'd have thought that after spewing forth the atrocious Shadow of The Dead over an unsuspecting world way back in 2004 that Danish boxer (he competed in the 1924 Summer Olympics) cum writer / director / producer and editor Carl Lindberg would create a horror character to rival Leatherface in the inbred badman stakes?

Not the person that hired that bunny suit that's for sure.

But scarily enough it works.

Which is a pity seeing as the rest of the movie is just a ragbag of ideas, scenes and situations stolen from a variety of  decidedly better sources.

Oh and Wrong Turn.

Tho' it is quite pretty to look at.

And I did sit thru' the whole thing without once wanting to stab myself in the eyes.

Which is more than can be said for Lords of Salem.

But is that really a good enough reason to buy this?

Answers on a postcard please.

*As an aside, the reviews title was due to an amazing amount of hilariously conceived similarities 'tween the Bunnyman and The Chuckle Brothers fantastic Chucklehounds.

Suffice to say that this was possibly the most hilarious thing I'd ever written and would have won me scores of new followers.

It's a pity then that I can remember fuck all about it.

So here's a pic of Paul and Barry in action to make up for it:


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