Thursday, October 27, 2022

water sports for all.

31 Days of Horror and absolutely no quality Japanese films?

Let's see about that.

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers (AKA: Joshikyôei hanrangu, Nihombie 2, Nihonbi 2, Undead Pool, Inglorious Zombie Hunters. 2006)
Dir: Kôji Kawano.
Cast: Mizuka Arai (AKA Chieri Haruyama), Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba, Ayumu Tokitô and Hidetomo Nishida (There are many more folk too but I just can't be arsed listing them).

Aki (Handa, the button nosed 'star' of a number of Juicy Honey collectable card sets - well it's a living I guess) a former 'aqua terrorist' (Wait....what? You mean they go around committing atrocities to the strains of Barbie Girl?) has decided to turn over a new leaf and give up her exciting international jet-set life of crime to enjoy a normal, everyday one as a schoolgirl at a top Japanese school.

Unfortunately Aki's first day is anything but normal.

Well I'm assuming it's not normal but seeing as I went to a comprehensive in the Midlands and not one in downtown Tokyo I can only guess.

You see not only do her new classmates decide that her welcome party should involve our cutie honey heroine being pushed into the swimming pool whilst still fully clothed (teasing bastards) but just as she's climbed out and dried off there's a sudden and inexplicable outbreak of a particularly virulent virus on campus that makes all those infected start to spew strawberry sauce from every orifice and begin to smell like a zoo.

OK the last bit seemed pretty normal as far as my school days went.

"Has anybody got any cans of orange juice?"

Anyway with one of those strange quirks of fate - and convenient scripting -  that only ever happen in 'the movies' an emergency medical team, consisting of a scarily familiar (to Aki at least) doctor and stern yet shapely thighed nurse, suddenly appear from nowhere to assist the pupils and administer a vaccine.

Which would be good thing really if it didn't appear to make everyone's symptoms oh so slightly worse.

And by slightly worse I mean that the vaccine turns everyone into scabby, short skirted flesh eating zombies.

Luckily it doesn't give them 'The Autism' tho'.

Yeah fuck you Andrew Wakefield.*

As luck (and pervy plotting) would have it, Aki soon discovers that the chlorine in the school swimming pool counteracts the effects of the virus, meaning that as long as adorable Aki remains in her tight fitting swimsuit (and stays soaking wet obviously) she's safe from infection.

Sounds legit.

Doing what anyone would do in this situation, Aki persuades the (mostly attractive) school swim team to suit up and hose down ready for battle against not only the every increasing army of the undead but also her musically minded former boss and mentor who has cunningly disguised himself (well, he's wearing a lab coat) as the 'friendly' doctor helping the infected.

You see, it turns out that the virus is all his doing but is only part of his sick scheme.

A sick scheme that also involves touching the smooth and milky white secret lady gardens of as many young girls as possible.

Whilst playing a flute.

You know, this is actually becoming more and more like my school days by the minute.

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rushing headlong into battle against the evil doctor, Aki and her soggy sisters - surprisingly - get a damn good beating, leaving our heroine lying vacant eyed in a pool of blood ready to be munched on by any passing zombie.

Fear not tho' dear readers, as luckily she's rescued by her shy (well up till this point) new best friend Sayaka (former Bukkake star Yuria Hidaka - I can't believe I'm actually typing that) and, in an act of kindness that will bring tears to the eyes of viewers everywhere, nursed back to health with a mixture of noodle soup and having her breasts gently rubbed by her pal.

How sweet is that?

No need.

Scoff all you want at this fairly unrealistic and decidedly non-medical approach to healing because it seems to do the trick as in no time at all Aki is sitting up in bed and sharing her sad tale of life as a killer for hire whilst fastening the buttons on her flimsy white school shirt, the material straining to contain her honey dew breasts.

Look, I don't even know what that means if I'm honest.

What follows is quite possibly the greatest fusion of dodgily translated subtitles, inappropriate incidental music and meaningful flashback sequences ever committed to celluloid, featuring as it does slo-mo shots of Aki firing a machine gun whilst wearing a bikini, popping a butterfly knife into her pants, doing sweaty push ups with what looks like an orange in her mouth and sitting around topless looking bored.

Sheer genius.

Or totally unnecessary pseudo-pornographic pants. 

Because by this point I honestly don't know.

"I've found the cars keys!"

The whole sorry tale is too much for the sensitive Sayaka who, with tears in her eyes reacts the only way she can.

And that's by stripping herself and Aki naked save their tiny pleated kilts before indulging in a totally realistic and completely essential to the plot lesbian sexy scene whilst moaning loudly.

And biting her lip at the point of - badly faked - orgasm obviously.

"All this fiddling and I still can't find 6 Music!"

Ready for battle (and probably another lie down) Aki is set to face her nemesis one final time.

Will she emerge triumphant?

And will she be naked?

Kôji Kawano, director of the classic teen lesbian drama Love My Life and the soya-based shocker Cruel Restaurant appears to have knocked out this lo-fi sleaze epic in a few hours between bouts of online gaming and frantic masturbation sessions, seeing as it consists solely of cheap gore and violence, random bouts of nudity and an abundance of soft core lesbianism aimed fairly and squarely at the 'I've never seen a lady naked except my mum' demograph.

Which frankly is a public service that must be applauded.

I mean it'll keep them off the streets at least.

Seen as part of a - very - loose undead vs schoolies trilogy that includes Zombie Self-Defense Force and Zombie Hunter Rika, The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers is by no means perfect, it would be churlish (and a wee bit geeky) to point out this movies flaws and weaknesses when your average viewer is only watching for a glimpse of the square faced, hamster cheeked dream girl Sasa Handa's breasts.

And let's be honest if you're planning to watch this in anything but a kinda post-ironic way you won't really care.

So I wont.

Handa: Chinny Rackon.

Running at a pain free eighty minutes tho' it never outstays it's welcome (unlike me at family social gatherings) and the budget, although lower than Sir Peter Hayman at Crufts is enough to make sure that things never looks too cheap and director Kawano spends most of it's scant run time wildly throwing ever more bizarre characters and situations at the screen hoping at least a few will stick and cover the cracks.

When he's not filling the screen - at times in a painfully  misogynistic way - with his cast of cookie cutter cute wannabe AV Idols in various states of undress that is.

Ayumu Tokitô: she'll even turn the milk chocolaty.


But it's not all sex and violence tho' because it also has some juggling, alongside fire breathing zombies and a flute playing pervert in a lab coat.

Still not sold?

Well give me another film that features all this plus a heroine with a deadly laser beam built into her vagina.

I'll wait.

Go on, you know you want to.

Even tho' you really shouldn't.

 *And an even bigger FUCK YOU to anyone sad enough to think they cause it in the first place....rant over.

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