Friday, September 2, 2011

raiders of the lost arse.

Whilst sorting out the obscenely large pile of straight to DVD shite I get sent on a (semi) regular basis I came across this 'classic' that I received this thru' the post from an anonymous benefactor (under the pretence of a late birthday present) a couple of years back.

And frankly I'm as scared now as I was then.

Who knew the world needed a movie regarding one mans sordid fantasies about raping Oscar winner Steven Spielberg's (albeit peachy for an old guy) arse?

Featuring no cast or crew list, the film tells the story of an angry faced, anal entry obsessed young actor who aspires to the big time.

Taking the advice of a whorish, has-been actress he decides to fuck his way to the top of the Hollywood pile.

And who better to aim for than the aforementioned Mr. Spielberg?

Spielberg: He's got something to put in you.

You see, the actor reckons that if he rapes Spielberg with all his passion and might, the experience will turn the Oscar winning director of Jaws into a sex slave, unable to resist casting the aspiring actor and making him the world's biggest movie star.

But all actors need to rehearse, so he decides to practice his skills on his balding alcohol neighbour.....

Insert cock here.

Based on the real-life story of Jonathan Norman, a mentalist stalker who was arrested outside the directors home whilst carrying handcuffs, duct tape and a razor knife (but no copy of Hook? - see? even nutters have some taste) back in 1998, the unknown writer/director of RSS has taken the much publicized case and used it as the basis for a heartfelt story of tolerance and the importance of accepting people for who and what they are.

And of the little guy in all of us sticking it to (and into, obviously) 'the man'.

Which would be all well and good but for the fact that it's mind numbingly shite for the entire length of it's scant 35 minute running time and that it happens to feature the second most unattractive cast ever seen on celluloid.

And the film with the most unattractive cast ever?

Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische (1995).
Dir: Lidko Entinger and Siggi Entinger.
Cast: Mary Millman, Fabien Barone, Attila Roll, Freddy Dalton and Silvia Squire.

 In this (unofficial) sequel to the Spielberg classic, a female E.T. is sent to Earth in order to learn more about our customs and beliefs.

Oh yes, and how to have the sex.

You see it turns out that although our alien chums still have all the right bits, they've completely forgotten how to do it.

"Laugh now!"

Arriving on Earth via bad matte work and a big silver dildo cum rocket our warty wench soon finds herself stumbling thru' a thick fog (thanks to a completely visible smoke machine) toward a large(ish) cardboard cut-out castle.

Silently entering the building and hiding behind a curtain (shades of Peeping Blog), E.T. watches silently as the local sex obsessed aristocrats that live there indulge in every porn cliché imaginable all in grusome, harshly lit close-up.

Arse, quim, tits and name it and those dirty Germans will try to fuck it.

Revenge for Dresden no doubt.

In a surprise move, the rotting corpse of Jade Goody re-enters the Big Brother house.

After what seems like hours of furiously masturbating as only a skinny woman in an ill-fitting latex alien suit can, E.T. decides to learn our strange sexual customs first hand and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie having stomach churning sex with a variety of moustachioed, pot bellied foreigners.

Exactly like your sister.

He's touching your weans.
After having every orifice stuffed full of enough man muck to sink the Bismark, our alien friend heads home to teach her planet about shagging.

Oh and probably pass on a variety of interesting STD's to the rest of her species.

Before you laugh, phone childline or fire off another death threat, spare a moment to think of poor Silvia Squire, the woman playing E.T.

The poor cow deserves some kind of award (or at least psychiatric help) for managing against all odds to make that green, muck encrusted E.T. costume (with obligatory holes cut in it for her nipples, mouth and fanny to stick out) even a wee bit sexy.

Megan....the return.

Look, it might not be the best alien cum sex movie ever made but it's a damn sight more erotic than Inseminoid.

And a helluva lot more fun than watching a tiny cocked fat man stick it in a famous directors arse.

But only just.

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