maiden japan.

Certain readers have been saying that there's way too much violence on this blog and not enough love and romance.

So dear friends I've taken it upon myself to change all that.

Break out the Champagne and strawberries, dim the lights and snuggle up to a loved one as I give you the perfect Valentines Day movie....

Maid Droid (2009).
Dir: Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Cast: Anri Suzuki, Akiho Yoshizawa, Mari Yamaguchi, a few other folk and introducing Roger the randy robot shag hound.

Welcome to Tokyo of the future where the worlds most successful company Maidlord Development have cornered the market in realistic looking, custom built robot maids and pets for the discerning consumer.

So far so Blade Runner.

But don't forget that this is a Japanese straight to DVD presentation featuring young giggly AV stars so there's bound to be a big bad rapist stalking the street too, chasing short skirted, white panted young girls before tripping them up and shagging them senseless.

All show from his point of view of course.

Which is nice if a little disconcerting if you're watching with your mum.

Meanwhile back at the (other, non-forced sex) plot:

Enter young, basin haired Ueno (I'm begging you to, it might cheer him up), a geeky wee boy whose parents happen to work at Maidlord developing the aforementioned new technology meaning that their poor son is left alone most of the time with only his Transform Pandon toys and a shelf full of tentacle porn DVD's for company.

I think we're meant to feel sorry for him but frankly that situation sounds like heaven to me.

No caption needed.

Anyway, his folks, deducing that they've not been spending enough 'quality time' with the boy (and noticing how many boxes of tissues he's getting thru' in a week) decide to bring home a brand new prototype maid droid -model name: Maria- (played to wooden skittle styled perfection by Mari Yamaguchi, star of the popular At the Mercy of the Darkness: Ayano's Bizarre Delusions and Uncle's Paradise) they've been working on to look after him.

Cue a funny and heartwarming housework montage featuring Maria tripping over the vacuum cleaner lead, burning cakes and getting stuck in the fridge - which I'll admit is fairly amusing and a nice break from all that sexual assualt stuff  earlier - but even this happiness is short lived as it's not long before Ueno’s parents are killed in a bizarre accident involving a dodgy furnace and a giant inflatable Hello Kitty, leaving the teen boy in the guardianship of Maria.

Cliff Richard gave 'pin the santa
beard on the whore' his best shot.

As Ueno grows older (and his hormones kick in) he becomes more and more interested in ladies  - and having sweaty sex with them whilst Maria sits in the corner - but soon comes (and comes to realize) that real girls are all dirty whores only interested in his money.

Oh, and his massive cock based on the silhouette we see during the films only human on human sex scene.

Really, I was so impressed I had to watch it twice.

Luckily I had the remote in my free hand.

Sitting dejected on his bed and wallowing in the damp patch, Ueno quietly contemplates why his relationships never work, wondering if he'll ever meet his soulmate.

Slowly his looks across at Maria and realizes that he actually found true love many years ago.

Yup, he's effectively got the hots for the hoover.

Detective Yuri Akag: Tokyo's
answer to Juliet Bravo.

As they say tho', the path of true love never runs smooth and this relationship is no different.

You see because Maria was an early prototype maid droid her designers decided that there wasn't any point fitting her with genitalia.

Which you can kinda understand, it'd be like your Aquavac having a fanny bolted to the side.

Luckily for both parties, Ueno's love for Maria is pure-hearted and untainted with carnal thoughts meaning he's happy to sit about in the nude giving her a good wash occasionally whilst desperately trying not to look at her gloriously soapy breasts.

Maria however can't help but notice how Ueno spends the rest of the afternoon wandering about with a pillow clutched to his crotch and offers to give him a blow job if he fancies it.

Which he does.

So he's obviously not that pure hearted and sweet, the dirty droid shagging pervert.

Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Talking of droids and shagging that evil rapist is still on the loose in the city and hard boiled, harsh faced Detective Yuri Akagi (ex bikini model and star of Chain Gang Girls Suzuki) suspects that a rogue robot could be responsible.

Heading off to the Maidlord offices in an attempt to get to the bottom of all this forced sex business Akagi is introduced to the head of the company, a 107 year old man who's had his mind transferred into the body of a wizened wooden doll.

Sounds legit.

"You're fired! And by the way, I'm shagging your weans!"

Between chats covering such wide ranging subjects as the futility of being and what constitutes free will we're entertained by a tour of the factories robot building faculties, specifically the area given over to 'testing' the newest wave of Pornbots giving the viewer plenty of opportunity to watch a blonde haired, red panted Japanese girl being probed, poked and pinched in every orifice by two sweaty fat men with porn moustaches wearing horrible checked shirts.

For about a quarter of an hour.

It's like watching your dad and his best pal shagging the papergirl.

Again.

"I still can't find 6 Music!"

As interesting as all this robo-rutting is, Akagi is in the middle of a quite interesting discussion as to why the market is dominated by female pleasure droids and not male ones, reckoning that women are more complex than men when choosing a lover whereas guys just want somewhere to stick their cocks.

Puppet man disagrees informing her that men that enjoy cuddling, romance and girly stuff but just aren't attractive to real women, who because of their shallow personalities, prefer hunky abusive guys that beat them up before forcing themselves on them.

Well I'm glad he's made that clear, not at all a sweeping (and oh so misogynistic) statement guaranteed to raise the hackles of any self respecting feminist watching.

And scarily the script was written by a women.

No really.

"Not even the sonic screwdriver
can get me out of this one!"

Just to prove his point the little old puppet man uses his scary - and until now never mentioned - psychic powers to 'mind shag' Akagi and in a sweaty, grunting scene of schoolboy masturbation heaven manages to cleanse  her mind of such foolish feminist notions giving her the strength to catch the robot rapist.

Which I guess makes it OK then.

Meanwhile Ueno (remember him?) is sitting in his pants gazing lovingly at Maria who, since her batteries have died has been sitting happily in the broom cupboard.

Aw, ain't love sweet?

As it happens, now that he's an old man with terrible penile dysfunction the sex doesn't matter anymore and he's decided that he and Maria should get married.

Don't worry tho' before it can get too soppy we're back with the short of skirt yet long of leg Akagi who's taken to searching the dimly lit dirty backstreet's of Tokyo to finally nail (tho' she's more likely to get nailed if the rest of the film's anything to go by) the rapist.

Without warning (well except for the loud clanking and whirring sound) the sex-beast is finally revealed in all it's mid-eighties sub Doctor Who glory.

You see, Akagi was only half right when she guessed the rapist was a robot, it is in fact a rogue robot dog (complete with a floppy wet tongue and rotating day-glo penis) that has built himself a bigger and stronger body from discarded robot parts.

And the reason for his reign of wanton rape and pantie ripping?

It appears that his (female) owner threw him out when she got bored looking after him and all he really wants to do is make ladies happy in the only way he knows how.

By having sex with them.

Fair enough.

Akagi: fancies a bit of "Ruff!" obviously.

Realizing that the creepy wooden man was right about all woman wanting rough sex, Akagi decides that the only way to curb the dogs randy ways is to slowly strip off her undies and allow him have sex with her before turning the poor pooch off at the point of orgasm.

We really should have more community police like this.

As the moaning gets louder and the sweat stinkier we head back over to Ueno's house, where the old man has finally managed to put Maria's finger in his diamond encrusted ring....

Will Maria agree to the marriage?

Will Akagi end up getting bored and faking it?

And will randy rover really care as long as he's getting his jollies?

A rare, non nude, non dog mounted
Anri Suzuki yesterday.

From the director and writer team that gave us the sublime Stacy – Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies, Zombie Self-Defense Force and Eat The Schoolgirl, Mr. Naoyuki Tomomatsu and Ms. Chisato Ogawara comes this heartbreaking and sensitive tale exploring the ideology of - both physical and spiritual - love and the inherent misogyny that can occur in some otaku culture via bestiality and forced full colour sex.

Tho' I'm assuming it's more about the aforementioned sex if I'm honest.

Playing out like a sniggering schoolboy softcore version of Electric (wet) Dreams, Maid Droid bravely raises some interesting moral and intellectual questions regarding it's basic premise before quickly ditching them like so many hot Pop Tarts to concentrate on the more pressing issue of entertaining those sad, lonely men that live in their parents garage.

Fair enough.

Which, while I must admit is a good cause in itself it's not one I really want to think about whilst watching a stern Japanese actress getting shagged by a huge cardboard and MDF dog.

Saying that tho', the kids enjoyed it a damn sight more than they did Pinnochio, which is great for me cos it's a helluva lot shorter.

And it doesn't feature a bloody singing cricket.

Family fun all round then I guess.