Arena Of The Unwell: devil nae care.

I love Erika Blanc.

And I love this film.

So there.

The Devil's Nightmare (AKA La plus longue nuit du diable, La terrificante notte del demonio, The Devil Walks at Midnight, Vampire Playgirls [yes, really] - 1971).
Dir: Jean Brismée.
Cast: Erika Blanc, Jean Servais, Jacques Monseau, Ivana Novak, Lorenzo Terzon
Shirley Corrigan, Colette Emmanuelle (not this one), Christian Maillet, Christian Maillet, Lucien Raimbourg, Lucienne Bogaert and Daniel Emilfork.

Can You Be Possessed By The Devil?- Does the Pope shit in the woods?

We begin our tale in Berlin at the arse end of World War II, where nifty Nazi Baron Barry von Rhoneberg (Belgian superstar and creator of The Office, Servais) is busying himself polishing his medals as he awaits the birth of his child, the sound of allied bombings echo around him.

Yup the audio quality is that bad.

Luckily tho' the whole thing is sepia toned as to better match with the stock footage of the aforementioned bombings.

Or it would if that footage wasn't scratched to fuck and dipped in treacle.

Anyway, as is the way in such films Von Rhoneberg’s (very) young wife unfortunately dies giving birth (I mean unfortunately as she's in the film long enough to have it on her resume) to a healthy baby girl, which seems to upset the baron no end.

Well I assume he's upset (to be honest he looks like he has trapped wind) because on hearing the news he ushers everyone out of the room before taking the bairn down to the basement and stabbing it to death with his bayonet.

Fair enough.

"Finally! A bottle of pure, unfettered Autism!"

Cue Crayola credits and a (quantum) leap forward in time to the present day where ace reporter Brenda Snatch is busy bugging von Rhoneberg for an interview regarding his home and its history, but the baron just wants to be left alone and grumpily sends the reporter packing with order to - under any circumstances - never ever take any photos of his overgrown garden.

Sounds legit.

Obviously the reporter pays absolutely fuck all attention to this and snaps away with gay abandon as she's leaving which means that because she's concentrating so much on getting a 'good shot' (which is the actual technical term - I checked) that she totally fails to notice the huge 'something' that appears via a handy wind machine and kills her.

To death.

Later that day one of the locals comes across her body (well it is still warm) on his way back from a fishing trip remarking that it looks as if the poor woman had died of fright - as opposed to death by binman bumming as usual I guess.

The only unexplainable thing is the odd burn mark on her left wrist.

Well that and the fact of her fashion choices.

Meanwhile across town a tour bus driver by a sweaty fat man named Matt (Maillet from your dad's favourite film Take Me, I'm Old Enough) full of the kind of folk you only find in EuroHorror movies - a grumpy old bloke in plaid trousers named Mason (human testicle Raimbourg), a hunky young priest named Alvin (Monseau), the constantly bitching husband and wife Howard (Lady Frankenstein’s Terzon) and Nancy (Belgium's answer to Jill Gascoine - Emmanuelle), close 'friends' raunchy Regine (Corrigan from Dr. Jekyll and the Werewolf) and kinky Corinne (Novak) - are having a terrible time trying to get to the ferry that will take them to their destination, the holiday resort of Spent that's just on the border.

Probably.

To be honest I wasn't paying attention as I was more interested in figuring out if this was the same tour company from La Orgia Nocturna de los Vampiros before imaging an entire Eurotrash bus-based series.

The road is blocked and there are no toilets for miles which is causing everyone to become a wee bit edgy - as in they're getting upset, not that anyone is getting piercings or tattoo's - luckily out of the blue a totally not at all sinister local in a skin tight mime outfit and huge white gloves appears with an offer of help.

The stranger (Emilfork the ferret-fanged star of City of The Lost Children amongst other things) informs the driver that they might as well head over to the Baron's castle and ask if they can stay overnight because they've missed the last ferry and there wont be another till morning.

By the look of his outfit I was half expecting him to pull a Mickey Mouse mask on as the drove away.

Pulling up outside the castle the party are met by von Rhoneberg has his butler, Hans (who no doubt shot first) — who welcome them with open arms, explaining that a mysterious woman rang to explain the situation and that everyone's rooms are prepared and supper is in the oven.

Which is nice.

That's your dad that is.

As Hans shows everyone to their quarters, he regales the group with the terrifying tale of horror that have taken place in each of the rooms: exorcisms, violent bummings, murders and bizarre accidents that don't appear to put any of the guests off staying in the slightest.

Which means that they're either made of stern stuff or that Hans is really shite at telling stories.

a wee bit like Rian Johnson.

With the guests settled and an hour to kill before supper there's just enough time for Corinne and Regine to indulge in some saucy (yet cringingly uncomfortable) lescapades before joining everyone in the dining hall for food, wine and excited chat.

Just as the group are about to tuck into a bowl of Angel Delight the meal is interrupted by the doorbell and Hans goes to investigate* and finds a lone traveler named Lisa (Ginger haired Goddess Blanc from The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave) begging to be allowed to stay the night.

Casual.

Upon encountering our redheaded raver, Mavis the maid (Bogaert, whom readers will no doubt recognise from Les dames du Bois de Boulogne) does her damnedest to turn her away by telling her that there are no free rooms, but Hans (who has obviously read the script) helpfully points out that the box room where the baron stashes his porn has an inflatable mattress in it - and a bicycle pump to inflate it with.

Sorted.

Stopping only for a quick shit and to touch up her eyeliner Lisa enters the dining room just as Lita comes to dinner just as the baron is helpfully explaining that an ancestor of his made a pact with the devil and according to legend each firstborn daughter of the von Rhoneberg family is cursed to become a succubus - a female demon who uses her charms to steal mens souls and send them into a life of torment.

So, basically just a normal woman then.

The guests laugh politely at the tale and head off to bed, particularly relieved that not only does the baron not have a daughter but by the fact that the whole story sounds like utter bollocks.

You can tell where this is going can't you?

As the party prepare for a good nights sleep, Matt has other ideas and heads down to the kitchen for some (more) food but is surprised to find Lisa already there and slaving over a hot stove preparing a sumptuous feast for him.

Being a greedy bastard Matt scoffs the lot but whilst washing it down with a small glass of wine chokes to death as a now hideously transformed (well they shaved her eyebrows) Lisa gazes at him giggling.

Put it in me!

As the night goes on each of the party will fall foul to their hedonistic desires as Lisa offs each and every one of them like some proto-Seven serial killer - Nancy, being a wee bit greedy drowns in a pit of powdered gold, Howard and Corrine are beheaded and spiked respectively in a post-coital tryst, Regine is bitten by a snake as she sleeps (they were kinda struggling for 7 deadly sin murders by this point methinks as I'm sure loudly snoring isn't an actual sin) whilst poor old Mr Mason is thrown out of a window.

Due to the sin of wearing hideously high waisted nipple warming trousers obviously.

As dawn breaks only Alvin is left, seemingly immune to Lisa's ample charms (yes I mean breasts), spurning her advances toward him whilst fingering his crucifix and chatting about God.

Each to there own I guess.

"Are you the blind man?"

Bored with all this religious chat the devil himself soon makes an appearance and wouldn't you know it, it's the spooky guy who gave them directions to the castle in the first place, it appears he's just decided to turn up for a bit of a gloat but Alvin sees an opportunity to save the poor passengers who have died, offering as he does his own soul in exchange for theirs.

And why would the devil accept such an offer?

Well Alvin explains that by taking him it means one less priest to do God's work and save folk from sin.

Plus I reckon it'd keep a fair amount of kids safe from another fiddling father too so it's win/win really.

The devil agrees and the next morning, Alvin awakes to find that the bus passengers are all still alive and the entire event appears to have been a dream.

Thinking nothing of it he heads down to join the others for breakfast before they depart but as they're buttering the toast the baron - who is indulging in an early morning fencing bout with Hans (as you do) - is mortally wounded and Alvin rushes to his aid, offering to stay with him as they wait for an ambulance.

As the party head to the bus the Baron confesses that he did indeed have a daughter but killed her in her cradle but as he tells the terrible tale Mavis appears and beckons Alvin over for she too has something to tell the priest.

It seems that the child the baron killed wouldn't have actually become a succubus as Lisa was actually the eldest von Rhoneberg daughter, born from an affair she had with the Baron's brother, Rudolph.

It's like an entire year of Eastenders squeezed into 10 minutes.

But with better teeth obviously.

"I'm sorry....I have my woman's period!"

Alvin thinks the old woman is talking bollocks and comforts Lisa as the passengers board the bus and drive away.

But the calm is short lived as suddenly the bus is forced to swerve in order dodge a rag and bone cart - driven by the devil no less - before plunging of a cliff and bursting into flames, killing all aboard.

As Alvin watches in horror (or it may be constipation) Lisa and the devil (that'd make a great film title by the way) share a smile, happy in the knowledge that they have claimed everyone's souls.

Yup, even yours just for watching the film.

The only feature from Belgian director Jean Brismée, The Devil's Nightmare delivers everything you'd expect from an early 70s EuroHorror - from closed mouth, uncomfortable lesbianism to clenched arsed uncomfortable acting (especially from Jacques Monseau when Lisa attempts to seduce him, honestly I felt like giving the poor sod a hug) the film drunkenly veers from gothic chiller to dribbly food porn to discourse on faith and religion without skipping a beat as it throws in (and up) everything from rudimentary gore, hideous brown underwear and outrageous fashions along the way and all set to one of those throaty vocal scores you only find in late 70s European horror films.

Honestly it's a veritable check list of clinches that nevertheless is as entertaining as it is sometimes terrifically tacky.

Plus Erika Blanc's tummy is quite nice.

I don't know what's more repulsive....the wallpaper or the underwear

Mad, bad and down right dangerous to know, it's Blanc's luscious Lisa the Succubus teaser that holds the whole film together, at once flirty and dirty yet sweet and naive, all big eyes and even bigger hair she makes even the most outrageous costumes and even more outrageous posturing seem natural and demure whilst exuding a sense of sexual menace I've not encounter since being stuck in a cupboard with my old scoutmaster as a boy.

I'll be honest even if the rest of the film was utter pants (which luckily it isn't) it'd be worth watching just for her.

Recommended.

Just don't get too excited and accidentally purchase/watch the poverty row 2012 remake by Shlock Meister David Zagorski instead tho' as it's utter pants.

But saying that steampunk superstar cum director (and part-time) drummer Seregon O'Dasseyin looks very pretty in Lisa role.

And she does wear a terrific blouse.